It really and truely is hard to hold a candle in the cold november rain. Today, marks confirmation of him being gone. I got to hear him tell me in a letter how, he did all he could, have to "heal on your own". Here I thought he was a tough guy. Said no matter what he would be there. "nothing will ever keep us apart." Love sucks. Hard core. I'm not sure I want to be in that again. lol. I am so crushed right now. How could he do that? I can't fathome it. After five years, this.... poof. just like that. All because I am in a really big rut. He tells me that once I have time to myself that he will come back. *scoff*wow. how thoughtful. *eyeroll*how gracious, that he would like to come back when the weather's nice. If you love someone, you stay with them. No matter what the storms bring, how hard the hurricanes and typhoons rage with pounding fists to destroy you. No matter how far you tumble down the hole, after trying to climb despirately out with no rope to guide you, as people pelt you with dirt and empty promises of emergance. No. If you love someone. Truely love them, then nothing NOTHING will keep you from weathering the storms, the hurricanes and typhoons, the winds and the rageing fires. To truely love is unconditional. "I only love you when you're happy" That is not love. To watch as your love lays there, crying out to you. Watching as the quicksand slowly pulls them under, never careing they need vital breath. Have I given you nothing? I have nothing to give but my love and loyalty. I love very deeply, it is my curse. I love unconditionally and trustingly. I just don't have it in me to be cold. I've tried, and I can't do it. You said you loved me. I can't fathome why you don't just grab me now into your arms and hold me. Prehaps I'm just a hopless romantic. My heart is in more pain then you will ever care to acknowledge. There is a gaping hole there. I know how Bella felt when Edward left. That is how I feel now. I wish it would rain. At least if I stand in the rain, no one will see me cry, and I don't have to admit to how badly I am wounded. I don't have to show my wounds. You promised. You promised me that you would go anywhere. So, why leave me now when I need you the most. It's alot like what the others did. I kind of feel like Effie in dreamgirls. I cried listening to that song. Funny thing give me so little credit. My life is in the toilet. I'm glad it is. I am discovering things. I get to find out just how much of a horrible person you are. I gave you my heart and you gave me the boot. So...just what makes you think that I will take you back when the weather is good? You abandoned ship, when the storm was raging. That shows your character doesn't it? I have nothing left to say on this. I just lost my train of thought. XD lol. This is for you. This is how I feel. Can you feel the passion in her voice? That's what I wish I could say to all of you. "You're gonna love me."

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