My heart is broken,
Internally I am brought to my knees,
from the burden and pain of the secret I keep,
the secret I keep from him
I am haunted,
haunted in my every waking hour as well as in my dreams,
the horrors I imagine, the consequences should he discover .....
his world is not as it seems, how much does he know?
Would our friendship survive this deceipt?
Would he ever forgive me?
In this I have no choice, I must wait!
For six years these thoughts and questions have been my constant companion, they are quite simply my fears.
If Charlie ever found out the truth, and his knowledge of the truth be known, it may very well condemn us all. I no longer try to get through the month or the week, just getting through the day is victory enough, I look at my friends and my family and know I am blessed but I can't help but hear a small voice that refuses to go unheard constantly taunting me, "It's only a matter of time".
Since losing Harry, I have come to depend upon our friendship. Charlie, Billy and Liseli were there for me as only the best of friends could be. Without them and my children by my side to help me through I just simply wouldn't have made it... I still can't help but shake my head when I think back to that time. It was honestly the most painful and heart wrenching experience I have ever had, something you would never wish upon another.
So call me selfish, you probably will, but life moves on with or without us and Charlie's friendship means the world to me, I will never be able to repay him for everything he has done, maybe thats what prompted my need to look out for him after Bella and Edward were married. He had gotten so used to Bella being there again, her company and the fact that she looked after him. But just being there, having dinner together occasionally and being able to talk to someone, who understands the pain of losing the one you love most. It all makes a difference and I can't lose that and I can't lose my friend.
So I will do what I must to protect this secret, I will keep on lying to and deceiving my friend hoping and praying that if he ever discovers the truth, he will find it in heart to forgive me.