The 16th of March loomed ahead, it would signify 4 years, 4 long years without Harry, as I lay there in my bed I looked across at the empty space beside me and for the first time in a long time, I grabbed Harry's pillow and hugged in to my chest, "What is wrong with me", I thought as the tears streamed down my face, my heart contracting in pain.
I've been through al this haven't I, said my goodbyes, grieved, shaking my head I miserably climbed out of bed and after checking both Leah & Seths room were empty which I actually felt grateful for, I went downstairs and put the kettle on. As I sat there in my favourite chair with my blanket wrapped around me and a cup of tea in my hands I sat in the silence of my home, staring out the window.
For the second time that day the tears streamed down my face, angrily I wiped them away, "what on earth", I thought, "Im falling apart", the day dragged on and things didn't improve, how could I let my children see me like this, I decided I couldn't and by 5pm my plans were set, a quick call to my cousin and the cabin was mine for as long as I wanted, my car was packed, dinner was made but of course my children do not live by a normal timetable, so as per usual, I made up their plates put the leftovers in the fridge and sat down at my kitchen table to pen the hardest letter of my life.
My dearest Leah & Seth,
I have decided to take a triip up north I'll be at cousin Alex's cabin, I'm really not sure how long I'll be gone, but I have my cell, I'll call you both when I've arrived safe. I am so sorry to up and leave you like this but I just really need to get away, I hope you both can understand and forgive me. I don't want you to worry about me, I know you'll both be fine and look after each other, no mother could ever be more proud than I am of you.
I love you both with all my heart and I'll be home again as soon as I can.
All my love