I think I am in serious need of some love.

[Amanda Renee Francis]

I was having the most wonderful time this afternoon. I got to talk to my favorite person, and a few of my other friends. I even met a woman named Athena, she's part of the volturi. She was very very nice. :D So i was so excited about that. I laughed so hard that I nearly passed out, which is something because I have never done that before. *laughs*pass out i mean. I am sick to my stomach now. I need to eat, but i can't I need to rest but I can't, and now I have yet another ultamatum. I am sitting here crying right now, knowing that she could care less. I wish that I were tougher, and more cold then I am, because maybe just maybe I wouldn't feel so bad right now. I have one bad day after three months and she's writting me off. My last four years have been hell. Someone beat...my...grandpa...to ....death. Does she have any idea what it's like to watch that? And to be an empath? I had to check the chart three times to make sure it was him, because of all the... It was horrible. To know everything the doctors were saying, and to have him look at me and know I knew. Does she know what it's like to have her mom look at you and ask you why? To look at you like a child and say "I want my daddy back." I cannot put into words the pain that I feel. It hurts so bad and there is no flipping pill to make it all go away, and I absolutly refuse to drink or do drugs. whew, took vicodin for my oral surgury, and ....yeah did not like that bad trip. I couldn't stand and almost passed out. Well, who knows maybe I would've had a cute doctor or paramedic revive me. *winks* hang on have to blow my nose. *weak laugh*ewww.

She told me that I needed to be medicated and everything, but i'm sorry I'm not a pill poper like her. I just need someone to be there. That is the best thing I could have right now. She is where I get alot of my self consiousness from. *sniffles*I'm sorry I'm whining. I can't help it. What she doesn't know is that there is only one cure for heart sickness(not the actual kind). Love. I am always standing over the shattered pieces of my heart. I can't put them back together. I'm trying and I can't seem to do it. She wants my vision of her future to come true so bad? Well, she sure as anything is not listening to what I'm saying. I am never wrong about children. And she will never have hope, if she contiues on this path. She is fadding from me. And that makes me very sad. She stresses me out with this crap. Here I am crying. Why? I wish that I were a bit tougher. but the only people that know, are you who are reading this, and my other two best friends. I like it here. I feel safe here. That is somthing that I haven't felt in a long time. Because I know that if the house stood in forks, and I went there right now. I would be taken in and taken care of. So, I am happy with this. *smiles*I am happy here. This is a sanctuary. I have had a lot of crap given to me for being here, but I take it, because this is my happy place.

Right now, I feel like I am lying alone in the woods with a massive post through my chest. I'm cold, alone, and I can't get it out. I cry and no one hears. I have tried so hard to tell her, but she won't listen. I guess no one listens to anything other then what they want to see or hear. I know I have a funny way of speaking, but this is really and truely how I talk. Ok so I might have a sailor mouth on me, but I do talk crypticly. So, somtimes you have to pay attention, because what I say isn't always what it sounds like. I don't even know at times that I am sounding mean. *smirk*Get it from granny. This friend told me that we were sisters. We love each other in a non homosexual way, and to throw our friendship away for some micellanious items and $360. I have gone two days this week without food, just to put gas in my car. She told me to go get a real job and get rid of the studio. Well, that studio, for as much grief as it is, is a place to dance. And I love to see the kids. They make me so happy to see them. I just don't have it in me to be that cruel. I could be if I wanted too, but why lower myself to her? I am above that. Love is better then hate, but hate is all I have felt for four years. To go to that court room and look my grandpa's killer in the eyes. Those black eyes. No joke. His eyes looked like a sharks eyes. and the whole time that line from jaws was in my head. To know that he is being well cared for and not gone to trial for three years. To know that no one will ever again call me sunshine. Someone at a newyears party called me that, and I litterally almost fainted. It was like somthing hit me, and I stumbled. She's very nice, it was just out of nowhere she said it. Maybe grandpa was saying hello to me. lol. I miss him an awful lot. When I was in an accedent on the freeway, he came and got me, and cheered me up. We always used to get a banana split. I think I should get one tomorrow. I know I'm talking alot, but I don't care. I hurt so very badly. This is my sanctuary, and I am going to fight very hard to keep it. I refelect on the recent item that happened into my mail. The similar pain. I have to remember to breathe. It's funny. I feel a bit better now. I don't feel as bad as when she did this in January. I feel strange. Maybe because I am here and it's safe here. I like it. I haven't slept well in I can't even count anymore. Once in a great while I am able to get some rest. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I surely hope so. My head is all floaty from all the laughing earlier and now the crying. I don't like the crying. Except if i'm laughing. *weak laugh*And now I've come home to my children, one of whom is laying on his back smiling at me. *laughs* We don't have cable. That sucks. *frowns*I was looking forward to watching a show I like since I'm up and no one is on mc. lol. *anime fall*and i just missed everyone by 20mins. *sigh*though you have to admit that's funny. lol. well, any way. I'm surprised it has let me write this much. Like I said. I don't think anyone has gotten this far, but thank you for listening if you have. :D