Am I ready to be a mother?

[Rebecca Black Finau]

Tiffany and Rachel insisted that I go to the ER during our Christmas shopping in Seattle, Washington. I had been getting sick to my stomach for the past weeks and I knew they were worried; it was a good thing Leo was in Hawaii at a surfing conference so he would not be worried too. 

I am not a fan of hospitals, at all. They remind me of death, of my mother. As I sat in the exam room, waiting for my test results to be delivered by Doctor Edward Cullen, I held Rachel's hand tightly. I was beyond terrified that this could be something more than just the flu. 

What I didn't expect was for Doctor Cullen to come into the room with Tiffany and tell me that I was carrying a child. 

A baby? 

What if I wouldn't be a good mother because I lost mine at a young age?

What if I couldn't handle it?

What if Leo wasn't ready? 

I didn't, and still don't know if I am ready to have a baby. I don't know how to raise a child at all. I know no one really does until they have one of their own, but I never thought I'd be carrying a baby this soon after returning to the Reservation. 

I am now going to be responsible for bringing a new life into this world with Leo. It is hard for me to face that without the pain of knowing my mother won't be here to help me through everything. I know my mother, Sarah, will be there in spirit, but this is just one of those things that you need a mother-figure for. 

I believe that is partially why I reacted the way I did when I heard Edward say I was pregnant. I didn't want to go through any of this without my mom. I have no idea how Rachel did it, but perhaps I will have to talk to her and get some twin sister advice. 

Am I ready to be a mother? I don't know yet, but I guess I have no choice now. I have about 8 months to get myself together and get Leo ready before this baby comes. I just hope that is enough time.