Fear

[Carlisle Cullen MD]

Copyright 2009/2010 by Cullens Online - This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed
Fear
Its midnight and I am at work, listening to the blips and beeps of the various medical monitors. People have heart problems, broken bones, pneumonia and various other illnesses. Our unit is almost full tonight, save for 2 rooms. I'm sure by shift's end they will be filled. My mind wanders when I am not busying myself with medical texts, patient cases or meetings with colleagues. I sit here wondering about the 'what ifs' and 'whys' of life. I look at each patient seeing their faces,meeting their families and knowing, because of my, so called, 'gift', how their ER visit will end. My 'gift' of scent is the the most important thing that I have since I was changed all those years ago. I can smell illness before it can be diagnosed. This gives me the advantage to help those who may have otherwise had no chance. Earliest detection is, as you know, the key to any successful cure.

This brings us to my fear, I suppose. Though I have many concerns, this one is one of the biggest that I dwell on.
What if I lose my heightened sense of smell?
What kind of physician would I be if I lost my gift of smell? I think about this because I lean so heavily on this gift that if I lost it, I think it would compromise my ability as a doctor. I use this for each and every diagnosis that I give. I think I often rely on it too much and as a result it's a crutch for me in many ways. I just 'know' things that others don't and that often frustrates colleagues. I am always right and that causes some friction between me and others who want to run different tests and scans and do things their way. I often oblige to throw people off my trail. I have a few here who are very suspicious of me and who have even said, 'What ARE you' after I have made a diagnosis of something extremely rare. I simply reply that this is not only my job but it is my passion and that I spend every waking hour (if they only knew) studying and doing research.

Do I rely on this gift too heavily? Yes. I do. I know that I do but I really cannot see any other option. Though they've advanced greatly over the past 300 years in the medical field, humans are still very primitive in their practices. They simply do not have the technology yet. Advancements are made on a daily basis and they are learning faster than ever now, but it's still not enough. My gift gives me an advantage. In an ideal world, each physician would be bestowed with this gift and we could erradicate disease before it even became an issue.

Copyright 2009/2010 by Cullens Online - This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed

[Anne Svendsen]

The thing that came to me when reading this, were when you have a gift besides normal things.You are so scared to tell anyone,because you are thinking what will other people say.
And you know that you are right, but then sometimes others makes you feel that it´s you who are wrong.
So i can follow you in this.