Pausing as the wind swirls the leaves around me, bringing with it her scent. I place my hand gently against the big fir tree and smile, knowing I will see her in a few short moments.
My mind wanders back to the very first time I saw her, her little sobs broke my heart and her tiny tear stained cheeks awoke in me something that had been slowly coming since the very first time I met baby Renesme. In the years since meeting Nessie, Sam and Emily Uley had welcomed a child into their home and though I had only seen pictures of her, you could not help but smile at this childs beautiful eyes. I wanted to be a mother it was that simple yet so horrorfyingly complicated.
I was well aware of the dangers, but I had reasoned this out with myself long before this day, I did not want an immortal child, I wanted to nurture a child of my own and watch her mature into adulthood, to have her own family and become an a mother herself. To watch her grow older and become a grandmother. I wanted everything for a child that I could love and care for, everything that I could never have or achieve. Watching her die would be inevitable, but that could be left to worry about another day.
My thoughts are interrupted by squeals and giggles, looking around the tree I am greeted with the bluest of blue eyes imaginable, still squealing with laughter she runs straight into my arms, hugging my so tight around my neck and all the while saying, "Carmy, Carmy, come, look, there", her little arm pointing back down the track, "it's a biggg bug". I can't help but laugh as she gestures with her arms.
and her eyes grow wide with excitement, "it creepy crawlies", to which she immediately demonstrates with her fingers along my arm. "Wow, that big huh", is my dramatic response. Instantly I can see the beetle in question, but I wouldn't dream of spoiling her surprise and no sooner do her little feet touch the ground, than she's off, her dark messy curls bouncing all over the place as she races along the track a few metres and then unsteadily comes to a halt, before edging closer in tiny tentative steps. "Aww, he is big isn't he", I whisper to her, following him with her finger until he disappears under some fallen leaves, she turns to me in amazement and plants her chubby little hands on either side of my face, exclaiming with a gasp, "all gone now, didn't he, he's gone home to his bed, cause he is tired"
She happily, settles into my lap and begins picking flowers for me to make her favourite thing... fairy crowns, quietly I peer over her shoulder, as she settles back against me and begins babbling away in her excited little voice while I weave & twist the flower stems, her chatter trails off as I think back to that first day again, "Whats your name sweetheart", I ask her quietly, while crouched down next to her "Abbi", she sniffles. "Oh you are so lucky, such a pretty name", instantly she smiled a little, "Your such a big girl, how old are you Abbi?" proudly she held up four chubby lttle fingers and declared between more sniffles, "this many". She doesn't know that I am different, she just sees me, her friend.
Her foster parents have chalked me up as her imaginary friend and I have long since dismissed my fears of being caught, there blatant disregard for Abbi and her welfare, means I can pretty much come and go as I wish, in all the months that this precious little girl has been my friend, I have yet to see them read a story to her or tuck her in at night, or even play with her at all.
"Aww, its pwetty Carmy", smiling I'm brought back to the present as she excitedly waits to be crowned. After she is yet again crowned and is off dancing in circles for me, I know, that even though my family would dissaprove of this and as much as I love them, I have to be here, I couldn't even begin to imagine her face, should I not turn up tomorrow.