I know who I am now, but it wasn’t always this way. For 20 years, I have felt like a part of me was missing. I don’t know much about my mother’s past and up to recently, I didn’t know anything about my father.
Some part of me always hated the fact that mom never answered my questions by changing the subject. We had our fair share of heated arguments because of this. The only way I could feel like a part of this was there, is when I was with my best friends Quil and Jake. We could do all sorts of things, and it would never truly show how I was feeling inside with all the fun we were having.
With time though, I felt more and more confused… things I felt changing in me just didn’t add up. I only knew that my mother came from the Makah tribe before I was born. The confusion added more and more when I started noticing something was off with me. I had heard the legends of our tribe many times as a kid, but like most of us, I didn’t pay much attention to it.
When I phased for the first time is when I started asking more and more questions to my mom. “Why do you always dodge the subject when I ask questions about who my father is? Why won’t you tell me who it is? I have a right to know!!” I yelled at her at one time. She’d dodge the questions again, sending me back to my own little world dwelling on those thoughts. Confusion…Sadness... Why did this have to happen to me? Why isn’t there anyone who told me this would happen to me? Why do I feel like there is something more between me and Sam than just pack brothers? I have a right to know who my father is… It would help me find the missing links on who I am… on why I became this way… on why I feel like there’s something I need to know on the connection between Sam and me…
I did my best to not think about that when I was around my brothers as a wolf or not to not show them my concerns on what I could say my identity crisis. One day, things changed. I had had a bad day at school, and as usual, me and mom were having an argument about my father. This time though was not like the others. Even if I had been having control over my anger to not explode out, that time was one time I wish never happened. I started arguing that I demanded to know who my father was, and she refused again, in the same heated way as before. This time however, I lost complete control of myself… The trembling heat just took complete control over me, and I exploded right there into my wolf form in front of my mother. Finding what little control over me I had left, I just stormed out of the door, knowing full well what could happen if I lost it on my own mother. I ran… and I ran… howling all my pain out, hoping it would calm myself down.