Everything five months ago was great! I met an amazing person and we really hit it off becoming friends fast!I was myself around her and believe it or not I told her that I was scared to get close and open up due to the fact every time I did I'd lose that person. Rayanne kept saying she would NEVER walk away. I believed her.. I opened up told her EVERYTHING right down to the deepest darkest darkest moments and such I kept inside. Unfortunately on Friday March 7, 2014 at 8:33pm(Mountain time -7:00) I had received a phone call from local RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police)  telling me to stay away from her, not to contact her at all. I did what the Officer said to do.. Inside I was breaking screaming and crying feeling everything I worked so hard to resist from feeling ever again. I don't wanna lie but at this point I'm lost, broken, scared, confused, and shattered. What went so wrong that it led to calling the RCMP and ending this friendship? I so far don't know and maybe I never will... Or am I too blind to see it? Maybe both who knows except God himself. For those of you that know me know I am the type of person to want to know what I've done and find away to fix it. Believe you me I haven't stopped running every reason scenario through my head at night for the last week. For the last week I've been crying. I truly never thought that the one person I would open up to after she swore would never walk away would create so much evil and hurt on me.

I've been listening to the song I Don't Want To Lose You By JamesTown purposely bringing back every memory to try to see what I did. So far nothing. I can't help but feel the way I do and I can't help but feel like it was all my fault or her so called friend in which I don't enjoy much had something to do with it. When will the pain and the hurt go away? Will I ever get her back? Will this salty water substance stop falling from my eyes? Will I be able to have one goodnight sleep without reliving that night in a dream and end up waking up with water falling from my cheeks onto my pillow soaking it? Will I ever be that happy crazy out going person again or was I robbed of that too? It's like she walked away breaking her solemn promise and brought this world of dark and rain hurting me non-stop. I want things to be better and I want to fix it I'm only human in this way. I know I may never find out what went wrong and I may never be able to fix it. But why so much hurt and crying. Why is this so hard to get over and say "Whatever" to?

I really wish that this is a dream and I'll wake up and she will be right there and call me "Bud" and I'll cry and tell her everything while she holds me.. At this point I wouldn't care is anyone held me as I cried and tell me that everything will be okay but that will probably never happen.. I know in like you can do one of three things:

1) Give up

2) Give in

or 3) Give it all you got

 I can honestly say so far because of this situation I've given up because I hurt so bad but refuse to let anyone see it. As far as anyone can tell I've given it all I got when really I've given up. I am not going to lie but I wouldn't mine someone looking me in the eyes or messaging me saying they know I'm not okay and all that weird mushy stuff.. I doubt it will happen..

Or what would help as well.. Someone spilling words of wisdom helping my broken-self through this and tell me that yes everything will be okay and that the hurt and crying is just temporary.

Oh how I wish I knew what I didn't and may not ever know...

I wish I had someone there for me through this...

How I wish that this is one bad dream...


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Comment by Carlisle Cullen MD on April 1, 2014 at 6:24pm

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I sincerely hope that things will blow over and that she will contact you and give you some answers. The hardest part, I would imagine, is the not knowing what happened to cause this.
Hang in there, keep being the you that you are and don't change for anyone 


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