Pretending only helps for a while. It masks the true feelings that lay beneath. At first pretending was the key, to push it aside and to forget about it. But when it becomes more common around you it’s harder to keep under that blanket. Imprinting was part of the legends, an uncommon occurrence. I’m sure they would re-write those stories if they saw what’s happening now. As each member of the pack imprint it leaves me to the thought of: what about us Clearwaters? The thought of never being able to conceive a child hurts me. You may not think it, heck I doubt most of the wolves realize it, but I once was looking forward to the day I could have a child. Watch it grow. Pick him/her up when they fell. Shower that child with love. But as each day passes that reality becomes more of a fantasy.
I want to have a normal life, to do and have normal things. Live in a cozy family home, get home from work before my husband and kids get home. Prepare dinner. Listen to their concerns, enjoyment and possibilities at the dinner table. Have my kids come to me at night when they have a nightmare. Attend their weddings; cry because I am incredibly proud of the person they have become. Watch them start their own family, allowing that cycle to continue. While I am stuck like this, an unchanging body, I will never have that future. Watching Sam and Emily have that future, which at one point was going to be mine, it rips my heart inch by inch every time. That’s why I haven’t seen Ayasha. And that’s why I had never planned to. Seth goes ahead and decides that we’re both going to babysit the little spawn. The only reason I’m going is to make sure Seth doesn’t do something incredibly stupid – I wouldn’t put it past him. When I had my one doll, Seth put the diaper on its head, who knows if his knowledge has extended beyond that yet.
When I’m not sleeping or running around after my pack, I continuously research and hunt for ways to just switch it off. So far: nothing. I wish I could just slip it off like a jacket, but it’s not that simple. There are of course other questions that circle my head. What about Seth? Will he ever imprint? Will he ever be a part of that? Will he ever experience that feeling? Or are we defective? Are the Clearwaters not destined to imprint? Will we be unable to be part of that group? Become outsiders in our own pack? It’s sure looking that way as much as I try to avoid it. I would give anything for Seth to be able to imprint on someone he’s comfortable and happy with. Or does it only work on the opposite sex? What would Seth do then? Would he be able to have that happy future? It’s enough to have me going through this misery and disappointment; I don’t want my brother to either. It’s not a pleasant path to be on.