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Life's lessons are often so harshly learned. No matter how long you exist, no matter how many times you experience hardship, it doesn't get any easier.
Everyone has their good and bad days, some better or worse than others and we all tend to deal with them in our own, quirky ways.
I am no longer human. I no longer feel the emotions the same way as I once did. I am one who remembers my humanity very well. Others of my kind are not so fortunate. They don't remember at all. Yes, I said fortunate. I feel that I am one of the lucky ones. I feel that I have, somehow, kept a piece of my humanity.
My family feels emotion much stronger than a human would. I do not for one second belittle any human emotion. I am just stating that our kind has heightened emotion beyond what any human could ever endure. It would drive them mad.
Sometimes that little piece of humanity is the bane of my existence.
Emotion for my kind is one of the most incredible experiences. It can also be absolutely devastating. Last night was one such experience.
I was home and had guests at the house. It was a regular day. I had finished work, arrived home and was enjoying the company when my phone rang. It was work.
I answered. I always have to. Most of the time when the cell phone rings there's a crisis in the ER and I am urgently needed. It's part of my job. I love my job. It's a core part of who I am.
The voice on the other end was hushed, stressed and strained. She is the head nurse in the ICU and she informed me that my patient had just passed away.
Remember, a few minutes ago I told you that emotion for my kind is heightened?
I almost lost it. I am known for my composure, calm nature and even temper. When something so devastating hits at once, it's a horrible rush. I don't wish that on anyone, ever.
The patient was the young man I had mentioned in my last blog entry.
He passed away suddenly. I was expecting it within the next few weeks but not so suddenly. It hit me hard. He reminded me SO much of my Edward. His light, his wisdom beyond his years, his faith.... all of that and much more.
It's NOT FAIR. SO MANY people live LONG, WASTED lives. They take it for granted, never living to their fullest potential and then ones who shine, who can make a difference, who 'get it' are taken before they are even given a chance! It doesn't make sense! It angers me to the point of anguish. Deep seeded anguish. I am in that hole now. Trying to dig my way out but my anger and devastation right now is fighting against me, pushing me deeper down.
I fought my instinct, to 'save' this boy, to change him as I changed Esme and Edward. I kept putting it off, talking myself back and trying to reason with myself. I kept forcing myself to give it more time. Time. Something I have much of and he had so very little of.
I am in a dark place right now, trying to cope, hide it and get through. Emotions are such a tricky thing. Esme is always by my side; her timing perfect.  She is my confidant and part of who I am. She is my strength, my reasoning. I hope that she can help me dig out of this hole I am in. If anyone can, it's Esme.
Carlisle S. Cullen
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Comment by cecilia a carson on June 10, 2009 at 4:14pm
I feel for you doc. I know what it is like to lose someone and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Yea, been a little depressed lately but I will get through it. I always do and with time, you to will get through your times of anguish and pain. You are very well loved and admired by everyone!


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