My dearest Judas,

This is how I will forevermore refer to you. I at least will be merciful enough to give you that much. It's more mercy then you ever showed me. I can be cruel, but I don't want to be. I had a previous post to this, but you were spared by the powers that be. The window closed. I take that as a sign it was not ment for any eyes but mine. I gave you all I could. I needed shelter from my tempet storms and you cast me out. What happens between my blood and I is that. Between us. Your commentary is not nessicary. You are luck that I am as compasionate as I am. That because of that, I am merciful. What you said about my little brother would've gotten anyone else into a world of pain with me. I am very serious. I raised that boy, and no one but me alone will ever be mean to him. My mother. That is my mother. You could not begin to know what we were going through. I am sorry that yours is the way she is. How my mother and I speak out of frustration and anger to each other is our buisness. I do not tell you how to talk to yours. On that note those in glass houses should be aware of who they through stones at. I am calm now. That is a dangerous postion for you to be in. Your cruelty knows no bounds.

I am in my darkest hours. I am alone. You told me you would always be there no matter what. lies. I do not like liers. I have said my fair share, but not at the expense of others. You said we were as blood. Lie. That is somthing that is very sacred. You know this. I do not call someone sister unless I mean it. That, like love, is not to be tossed around and disrespected. How many times did you call me just to take you on errands? How many times did I listen to you yell at me for somthing as mundain as being hyper? How many times did you hit me for being hard on myself? When you should've been there. I was with you, when your mentor tossed you out. I was with you when your friend from those years, tore you apart. Even though you were very cruel to me during that time. I kept silent. I picked up those pieces. You called me sister. Said I was the best friend you've ever had. I got to know your friend from high school. Your jealousy flared. I stood next to you as your own mother spit in your face. I picked up the pieces. I was silent as you took out your frustrations on me. I cried silent tears, had many anxiety attacks over you threatening to commit suiside. I have called you everyday for five years, so that you never felt alone. I put off so many people close to me so you wouldn't feel bad or left out. I gave you every consideration. Tried to make the car rides and surroundings comfortable so that you, with your broken back, were comfortable. I roughed it so many times hanging out at your house. no place to sit, getting yelled at for moving or being in my own pain. Sorry dear you are not the only one with inguries. I fell out of the back door, and you didn't care. I went out with you instead of staying at home when my little boy was sick. I came home to him dead on the bath room floor. I still don't remember clearly what I said or did. I only remember screaming. You were on the phone, you promised you would be there. I stayed up for four days while working full time to take care of my little ones that survived. I had to listen to your mother threaten me, and rage against me for somthing that wasn't my fault. I didn't know he was sick until he died. That is how parvo works. Do you have any idea the guilt i bear? Have you no compassion supposed empath? Do you know what it is like to endure what I have with the murder trial? Where were you earlier this year when I needed someone. Do you know what it's like to look into the eyes of your loved one's killer and see how black and empty they are? To know that when you are sad, no one will ever again say "let's go have a banana split?" or your mother looking at you like a child "I want my daddy back" To have to be the mom, because yours is in falling apart. To watch your family fall apart like limestone. You have no idea the pain i feel. The pain I smile through.

But know this, I didn't walk away. I stood silently by in the shadows. No more. I am worth more then that. I have more strength in me then you will ever know. I will survive. You will not. You will be alone. I am forever a fighter. You are a taker. I will heal. I am disgusted that you would use me to get sympathy. You act as if I am the one that did this. You screamed horrible things at me. I stood there, while your mother and grandmother spit on me, and asked me to do things for them. never more. I told you, warned you. Change, or you will be alone. My loyalty has ended. You have no more power over me. I turn my back to you. Your name is dead in my heart. You drew the lines in the sand, not I. The only thing I wish for you, is the kindness you have shown me. But no. I am the better person. I do not need you to survive. I will fight this, and win. I will pull myself out of this well, and memories of you will forever stay in it. You insult my intelligance. You insult my honor. You insult my dignaty. The biggest mistake you could've made is that you underestimated me. I will move on, and be strong. I hope you heed my warnings and listen. Not everything I say is nonsense. For in my nonsense lies some wisdom. Enjoy your life. It is as you've made it.



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