I may be one of the most feared guards of the Volturi, but there are always thoughts brewing in my mind.  One thought, one wish in particular has plagued me for centuries.  Nobody knows that I admired Carlisle Cullen when he was part of our coven.  Not admired like a boyfriend, but more like a father.  A father I deserved.  My biological father was not one to admire at all.  In my childhood, I might as well have been without a father back then.  However, when Carlisle Cullen came into our coven, I had hopes that he would be the master that I would warm up to.  Become a little daughter to him and learn from him.  

During his stay with us, he was very proper.  A gentleman.  But he was also just as bad as us in terms of making sure other vampires abided by the law.  I'm unsure if the masters were grooming him to become a fourth master or not.  He never went out with the guards on duty.  He stayed with the masters.  This only led me to believe he was going to become one of them.  When the Throne Room was vacated, we'd all go to our own chambers.  The masters would tend to their wives.  Carlisle, however, didn't have a mate.  In an odd way, I could relate to him.  Returning to an empty, solitary chamber with nobody there to greet you.  I had become used to it.  Every now and then, I'd wander the hallways and peek through the cracked door of Carlisle's room if it were open.  He was new.  I didn't know what to expect from him if I decided to let myself in and converse with him.  So, I'd simply peek.  Most of the time, he would be sitting on his couch with something to read.  Reading was a hobby of mine and I was always curious what he was reading, but never asked.

You can imagine my disappointment when he left us.  I felt betrayed.  Another person who had come and gone in my life.  Nobody ever stays.  I didn't get to know him, but I wanted to.  If he was going to become a master, I would have liked to work for him.  On his downtime, he seemed calm.  Something I never felt.  I was always on edge.  Maybe if he had stayed, we would have become good with each other and he would have taught me how to release my pent up anger without having to go on killing sprees when things didn't go my way.  He had a good head on his shoulders and I would have liked to either have known him as a friend, a mentor, and a decent father figure.  I wish he had stayed.  

But...as I said.  They all leave me in the end.

Now, every time I see him and the masters command me to try and harm him, I hesitate.  He once was one of us.  He started his own family.  His own coven.  Whereas I see nothing wrong with this...making ourselves known to humans and then turning them into vampires IS against our laws.  I will always request that, before injuring him or killing him, giving him an opportunity to join the Volturi again...to save his life.

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