Theorization

[Dean Ficco]

“No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.”

      -George Eliot                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                            

   I wished I could agree with him, that no price I had to pay was too much, that I could live peacefully with the promise I had made. Bella's life was too big a price, to valuable. She would argue that it was her price, that I had no say in the matter. She has no idea how entirely wrong she was. The pain and guilt for allowing it would all be my own. She didn't know what it was she was asking for, what she was all too willingly giving up. The thought alone caused me excruciating pain. It serrated through my entire being, forcing me weak.  This was not something I welcomed. I could not allow weakness, it was entirely too dangerous.

  Her eyebrows furrowed, lips turning down at the corners. It was as if subconsciously, she could recognize the danger she was so oblivious too awake. A groan built in her throat and she gripped my shirt, her frail fingers warm through the thin fabric. Bella had never been a sound sleeper, tossing and turning through out the night, her hair becoming wild around her. This was also something I would miss. Yet another reason to loath myself for promising her what she wanted. I slowly lifted my hand, allowing it to graze across her forehead, to smooth the hard lines that dwelled there.

  Not too long ago I yearned to make this simple gesture. If I could only have brushed her hair out of her face, allowed my lips to touch her hand. Now it almost hurt. Every touch far too significant, a reminder of what I was to do. I would soon never again feel her warmth. An ache built in the back of my throat. As the seconds ticked by I could feel it swelling, closing the space between my windpipes. I would find another way. I would convince her to change her mind.  

[Carlisle Cullen MD]

As we wrestle our inner demons to do what's right, it seems we bow to need eventually. Beautifully written