idiosyncrasy

[Dean Ficco]

 I don't know what I had expected to come from this. What it was I wanted for this life I was forced to endure. The hopeless demeanor I had spiraled into had left no room for pointless thought or dreams. It had seemed that, I was hibernating. Simple getting through each day blankly, my mind as absent as my body would allow it to become. I often feel myself slipping back into this mind set in which I had once lived, my mind wondering back into it's hibernating state.

 Fear has found it's way into my bloodstream, slowly seeping through my bones, causing every muscle to ache with anguish. I'm no longer sure I ever fully healed. I now have a reason to live- two reasons; something to look forward to every day but some how the throbbing anguish of my mind has returned, causing every muscle in my body to rival in misery. 

I am not the only one who has noticed these changes in myself. Jasper, naturally, feels them as well. In my presence, his mind becomes consumed with the nameless remains of my old life. He finds himself as confused as myself, trying his best to replace these emotions with something else. It helps, my mind becomes more at ease. My body on the other hand, feels no relentlessness toward the constant strain.

 Carlisle has begun to notice as well and this only gives the fear a reason to render in it's place. It was only a matter of time now before Esme, or worse Bella, picked up on the inevitable doom of my mental state.