Sitting down and taking quill to paper as I have so many times before. A skill that many have lost. The sound of the quill scratching on the paper is one I still find soothing. Quill, ink and old paper. Memories of my past. But yet they still feel right. more so than pencil or pen.
I settle into the task at hand. Needing to get all my thoughts sorted. The past week with Heidi and Corin has kept me distracted from my duties. Distractions while off duty are fine, but while on duty, that is not acceptable.
Heidi. What a fine creature she is. I've been chasing her off and on for years now. It is so easy to flirt and be with her. There has always been an attraction there, or I never would have gone after her the first time all those years ago. She's skilled. And not just at bringing back food for everyone here. Though that is quite an important role she fills here in our family. When Heidi goes out 'fishing' she almost always brings back something special, something that I would go seeking should I have been out looking. Heidi and I, I feel have been good for each other in so many ways. Though in the past I have always wondered if we would be able to be good together over a longer stretch of time. I have been able all these years to be together and be apart from her without regret. Yet at times it is though she gets under my skin and I crave to be with her.
Corin. She and I have built such a unique relationship this year. With so many of our siblings away I had found myself spending more time with her than I could have anticipated. The bond we have formed is more than simple affection. We have walked the garden together. Talked about old books, a conversation I quite enjoyed. I have loaned her books from my collection I never would have thought to loan out to anyone. I showed her the tower. The one that is quite magnificent at sun rise. It mostly goes unused these days. But it was something I knew she would enjoy, and she did. It's a site that I've not taken anyone else to see. Perhaps because I did not think they would enjoy it as she has. The relationship is comfortable. Intellectual. The bond just formed. I do not believe either of us was looking for it. We in some ways seem to have become dependent on each other. I have found if I have a need to talk, to hear advice with Felix away I have been going to Corin. There is a great comfort in spending time with her. In doing things that might get us into trouble, but we have thus far managed to stay out of trouble.
Then last week, Corin saw me flirting with Heidi. That became an utter disaster. While I did not feel guilty in the least for flirting with Heidi, I was crushed for the reaction that came from Corin. I did not know that she would react so negatively to me flirting with another. She knew that Heidi and I had been together before. Jane so kindly or cruelly let her in on that one. I did not know that her feelings for me ran so deep. Her reaction was not one that I could have predicted. Or the position that put Heidi in.
I gave both of them some space, and myself. Time to try and sort things out. Though I felt drawn to be with both of them. I sought out Corin first. I could not bear the damage that may have occurred to our relationship. I found her in the tower. Though she was not enjoying the view. Curled up on the ground, hugging her knees. I had not before this day seen her like this. She was clearly still upset, and no doubt hurt. When she noticed I was there she stood and turned away from me. The moment of hurt and rejection I felt from such a simple action solidified my need to make thins right between us. I moved closer to her and she moved away from me. Out of anger? Out of a need to protect herself? I carefully wrapped my arm around her from behind. Thinking at the time it was for her, to comfort her. But now I wonder how much of that reaction was for me? Corin tells me to let her go. Her words that follow seem to come out in anger. I hope that it was just a gut reaction. For I know I was not trying to play her. My sweet Corin. Never before had her anger or frustration been directed at me. Keeping my composure until Corin turned away from me was difficult. The apology she offered was sincere but felt hollow. The damage on both ends clearly done. Realizing things are more complicated than I could have known. She speaks of getting away for a bit. I remember my words so clearly. Telling her running away from this would not solve anything. Words that I might and should have heeded myself.
Feeling hurt and wounded I some time later found Heidi as she was about to leave for another 'fishing' trip. Wishing only to bid her a good trip, wondering if the incident in the hallway where Corin found us was the apex for her leaving. All ill thoughts of why she was leaving vanished when she said that she would like my company on this trip.
I could not resist the temptation to leave with her. To have her to myself after she was done 'fishing'. I took but a few moments to return to my chambers, make sure everything was in order for me to be away for a few days and grab a few things for the trip. Heidi smiled at me as I returned to her at the front doors.
My thoughts still lingered on Corin and how she would deal with this. Was it selfish of me to want to be with Heidi?
Setting the quill down, reading over my words. Still feeling confused about the situation. Not wanting to hurt either of them, but finding I connect with each of them differently. Wanting to be with each of them for different reasons. Caring for both deeply. Finding the pull to spend time with Heidi stronger, and more physical.
Wondering if I peruse Heidi, would either of them be comfortable with me spending time with the other? Not wanting to lose the connection with Corin.
Realizing I need to sort this out, I wait for the ink to be dry before putting the journal safely away, and go to find Heidi.