Warts. The Worry Species.

[Lindsey]

sometimes i feel like a FREAK.

like... i get so paranoid. and i'm not so sure as to why.

i think it might be simply because i have lost so many friends... i cant help but to be paranoid. to be paranoid that when i have a friend so good, it'll end.

in retrospect... i do what this saying says i shouldnt:

"if you spend ur whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."

i guess i always wait for the storm. i always expect something will go wrong and as time goes on i get more and more and more paranoid.

and i dont mean to... it just... happens.

and eventually... my paranoia comes true. funny how THAT works.

kinda like that saying i cant seem to remember at this moment...something about if you think that way, then it will happen.

seems like i'm good at that. and trust me- i dont want to be.

the anxiety sets in so bad sometimes. i get SICK when i think about losing friends. i need them so bad.

people talk to me... but... we arent friends.

does that make sense?

i have those kind of "friends" who talk to u if you have them in ur class but we dont hang out or text or talk at any other time.

i have THOSE friends.

i dont really have many close friends. all those "friends" who talk to me in classes see such a different, twisted lindsey from the real one. the one who gets too depressed too easily and has some severe psychological problems it seems like.

i dont TRY to be a bad person. i try to make people happy. its what i like to do. i like making people happy.

and sometiems... i try too hard to make people happy. and i become that person that people just think is beyond annoying and should leave them the hell alone.

its inSANE how much we learn from people.

how much we learn from the mistakes we've made.

what have i learned, you ask?

i learned that i cant fix the past. that... sometimes,... u mess up so entirely... that no matter WHAT you do... it cannot go back to how it was. there will always be that... scar. that scar that no matter how much neosporin you put on it... it sure as heck wont go away. it'll remain. and that mistake will remain. and soemtimes.... you have to... like mother earth does... start from scratch.

after a fire... the earth starts from nothing... and makes it beautiful again. it... takes what it's been delt... and moves on.

i guess...

i guess thats what i've learned. and i hope i can learn to use it.

-Lindsey