Random Jokes

[Felicia Salinas]

Every once in a while ya just gotta laugh. So read, laugh and share if you wish!!

 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with
a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit
ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

 

hickory dickory dock 3 mice run up a clock, the clock struck one the other 2 got away with minor injuries.......

 

Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

 

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard looked up and said "Hey Koala, What are you doing?" The Koala said "smoking a joint, come on up and have some" So the lizard climbed up to the Koala where they shared a few joints. After a while the lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to the river for a drink. The little lizard was sooo stoned that when he we...nt for a drink, he fell in. A crocodile saw this and swam over to help him. The crocodile asked "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained about sitting with the Koala & smoking joints!! The Croc thought he better check this out, so he wandered into the trees, looked up to where the Koala was finnishing a joint and the Croc said "Hey you" The Koala looked down and said "FAAAAARK DUDE! How much water did you drink??....

 

I've just got home to find all the windows and doors wide open. They've taken everything... it's all gone. The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? Arrgghhh you are not human. You are low life scum ................ That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates!!!!!!!

 

 

I went to the zoo the other day, theres this elephant there and if you make him sit down you win $100,so asked if i could have a go, i punched the elephant straight in the balls, he sat down and i won the money. zoo keep was not pleased, so a few days later i went to the zoo in disguise ,walked up to were the elphants were and asked if could have a go at making the elphant sit. the zoo keeper said... shure this time you can win $200 if you can make the elephant ,nod his head, shake his head ,then sit down....so i walked up to the elephant pulled of my disguise and said , do you rember (me elephant nods),do you want some more (elephants shakes head)...well sit the fuck down then..(elephant sits )

 

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag the chubby man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.