My loss

[Kika Medina]

On April 25^th 2012 my life changed, that day I lost my friend, my hero, the first man I ever loved and that will love my entire life, that day I lost my Dad. It’s really scary  how you go from kissing your loved one goodbye to go to work only to come home and hear the words “something happen to your dad”, when I heard those words I could not believe them so I ran home, so much passed through my head as I was running, I heard my uncle calling for a nurse friend that was walking out of the corner store and I ran as fast as I could when he asked him if he could do CRP, I didn’t knew what I would find, when I arrived my dad was on the floor my brother and uncle on the phone my gran crying ,I ran to him as I asked questions but something told me he was gone, it’s an image that will live in me for the rest of my life.

That night I could not sleep I just kept wandering around my house going from room to room, I stood at my bedroom door for what seemed like hours watching my mom and brother, hearing my aunt crying on the phone, I could hear every single sound outside, I curled up on the couch when I could not hold myself up anymore and watched the candle flame burning that gave me a little peace and suddenly made me sleepy but I woke up again and followed the same routine over and over all night long.

I guess knew all day long something was not right but I didn’t want to pay attention, I didn’t feel like myself and later I knew why I wasn’t feeling like myself a part of me died with my dad and even now if I smile I am mostly crying on the inside, those days were so different so not real like taken out of a movie, I could not believe that was happening to me, I could not believe I would never see my dad again, that I would never hear his voice that I would never kiss or hug him and I regretted that instant how bad of a daughter I really was, yes no one is perfect but I would have really wished I would have done things differently, but well I cannot change the past, that’s all I thought about the following days, I cannot change the past and my dad knew I loved him and I was grateful I got to kiss him goodbye that morning but at the same time I was upset, I was upset because I begged as hard as I could so he would be okay I don’t ask for much I really never do but I guess it wasn’t enough.

Days passed and I barely talked, I barely moved I just wanted to sleep, sleeping made the pain go away even for a little bit so I wanted to sleep so I would not feel, but then suddenly I remembered him telling me once that I had to be strong that I was older than my brother and cousins that I had to help them and help my gran and my mom, his words made me get out of bed, they made me talk again even if my heart and soul were shattered into pieces I had to keep going not just for me but for them, it was hard yes it was and it still is, not a day goes by that I don’t miss him that I don’t cry and that I don’t think ,WHY?, why did this happen to me, why to my family why my daddy.

Now 1 year 5 months and 11 days have gone by and I still ask those same questions, questions I know will never be answered, but for some reason I have to ask them, maybe out of habit or maybe secretly wanting for someone to answer them, but those answers aren’t going to bring him back so I really just kid myself, all I can do now is remember all those wonderful moments I lived with him, all I can do now is continue to miss him, love him.