Healing and Hurt

[Esme Anne Cullen]

Papa had me set up in our window seat with my leg propped on pillows. He had gone to the alchemist and gotten morphine, but I didn’t like the way it made me feel. The pain in my leg wasn’t too unbearable most of the time. School had started before I broke my leg, and the teacher sent lessons home for me, Mama helped as much as she could and Papa helped at night.  Nancy, our servant, brought me food and puzzles, and sat with me when my parents couldn’t.

 

I spent the first few days looking out the window, hoping to see the doctor coming to check on me. On the third day Dr, Mayes came to the door, and even though I liked the man, my heart sank.

 

“Well, I see Dr. Cullen took good care of you for me.”

 

Dr. Cullen. At least I had a name for the kind man. Dr. Mayes checked everything over and gave my parents the instructions for my care. It would take weeks for me to heal. As I thought, Papa put an unequivocal end to my tree climbing.  And my trouser-wearing. The good part was I didn’t have to get dressed for a while since I was somewhat bedridden.

 

Mama thought it was a good time to start to plan my coming out. Papa was a well known business man in Columbus, and it was time for me to represent as his daughter. My cast would be on until the end of October, so we planned an early November party. Mama brought in bolts of cloth for my dress and I chose a pale blue. The dressmaker came in and spent a morning taking measurements, showing me lace and trim and gloves and accessories until my eyes hurt and my ears rang from her shrill, forced laughter.

 

It always amused me how people acted around us. Sure, we had money, but these people acted like we were royalty. I tried to always be kind and thankful to them, knowing they had to work to feed their families. I also heard how they spoke of some of the other families in town, ones who didn’t treat them well. Papa always said a man’s reputation was his badge of honor. I figured that went for women as well, and tried my hardest to have a good reputation.  My school mate Mabel didn’t care. I had seen how she treated people she thought below her and it made me quite uneasy.

 

My parent’s forays into my future didn’t go unnoticed. Comments about a husband and grandchildren were peppered into conversations as if they were a certainty and were already decided. Talk of me going to university was headed off with comments about a summer wedding. I hadn’t even made my debut and had no interest in any particular boy yet! It bothered me, but at the same time it was funny to watch.

 

October came and the cast went. Walking took a lot out of me at first, but as often as I could I exercised and soon was back to normal, just in time for the ball. It was a grand gala and being the center of all the attention made me nervous, but I was able to put the smile on my face and get through it. After the fifth dance with an overeager young man, I stepped out to the garden for a little fresh air.

 

I wandered down the path, thankful for the crisp, cold air. Pausing at the arch to the rose section, I leaned my cheek on the trellis and was reminded of the cool touch of Dr. Cullen. I pulled back, shocked for a moment that he came into my thoughts. I laughed at myself and leaned in again, closing my eyes thinking it was his hand on my cheek. As I stood there, a light snow began to fall. Knowing Papa would be looking for me I returned to the party and decided that for the rest of the night, every dance partner I had would be the young doctor. It made the awkward dances, the stepped on toes and the sweaty hands all bearable.

 

Soon after the ball, cards began to arrive, asking audience with Papa and Mama to place a request in to court me. I was not looking forward to it at all and wished for something to delay it. I learned to be careful what I asked for when Papa fell ill. Dr. Mayes would talk to Mama in hushed tones, but I gathered that he was dying. He rallied some, but he had lost weight and strength and was not the bear he once was. Once spring arrived, the cards started coming again and I knew that to please my Papa, I was going to have to find a husband. I wanted his last days to be happy and proud, and I wanted him to be the one to walk me down the aisle when I got married. Love would not be in my future, but someone to care for me and Mama would.