Daddy to hold me, that's what I needed... So,why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Daughter to father, daughter to father! I don't know you, but I still want to. Daughter to father, daughter to father! Tell me the truth, did you ever love me? Cause these are, these are, the confessions....!!! of a broken heart! Of a broken heart!"
I was 2 years old when my dad left. I have no memories for my life before he left. My earliest memory of my step mom is her smack my mouth for telling my younger sister she's not our mom. My earliest memories of my dad and step-brother is them fighting and punching holes into the wall. With my mom the earliest memory is of her sitting in the bathroom crying, and my 2 year old self going in and telling her we'll be okay. The We has always been me her and my sister.
Now what brought all this on? Well a lot. I went to youth group tonight and we watched Letters to God, and its about this boy he's like 7 and he has cancer and was dyeing. As some of you know, I recently lost my grandfather to cancer, and the movie just made it all too real. I ran out of the room to the bathroom and cried till I was dry sodding. My friend, Gage, came into the bathroom and held me. When he stopped I went outside, and sat on the swing and cried, praying to God saying I couldn't do it any more, I couldn't be strong for my sister, for my mom, for my dad any more. Then a song came in my head, and I sang them out loud, outside, in the cold shiving.
Lord i give you my heart i i give you my soul i live for you alone every breath that i take every moment im awake lord have your way in me
When I finished I swear I heard the whisper, Be still and know that I am God. This is actual a verse in the bible, Psalms 46:10. After I was done crying I went inside putting my jacket on grabbed my phone and went back out side and called my dad, I told him everything, from my stepmom asking Grace if I had and eating disorder to her telling him i was done being strong for him. He's answer, you don't have too.
All I have ever wanted is a dad to be there with my mom, to be a real family, to not have questions of why, and to know he loves me without him saying it.