Indescribable Feelings

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There are many things that I cannot describe with words. Feelings are like that, there’s never one word to describe a certain emotion that you could be feeling at that point in time. That’s what it’s like for me on a constant basis. The wolves may believe they know my feelings – hearing my thoughts and such – but they have no idea how hard I try to keep the real emotions from showing. Sure, I’ve slipped up a few times, but then I just snap at whoever may be listening in on my thoughts and they immediately stop thing about it. Life couldn’t have gotten any better. I was in love. Sam was the only person who knew me completely. Stuff I couldn’t talk about to mum, dad and Seth, I’d be able to talk to him about. As cliché as this sounds, he was my knight in shining armor. We were seriously in love, nothing could tear us apart – or so I had thought. Sam had suddenly disappeared for about two weeks. I was hysterical. Up until then we told each other everything, so why all of the sudden had he disappeared. Of course back then I didn’t know it was because he was a werewolf, so immediately my head started jumping to all possible reasons. All which mostly concerned me. What had I done? Sam came back, but he was different. I could tell he was hiding something from me. I was furious, I yelled at him asking him where he’d been, telling him how worried I had been. Sam just sat there, torn. Yelling, screaming and anger didn’t work, so I tried another tactic: I’d wait. I thought he’d tell me when he was ready. Sam didn’t. He’d come home exhausted at night, I’d ask him why and he’d just shrug it off. We tried. We tried to make it work, even with all his secrets. Of course, I did question often if he was cheating on me. But this small reservation, secrets like that wouldn’t be secrets for long.

Emily came down from the Makah res one weekend. Sam saw her and in that instant everything changed. It was as if I didn’t exist. I wasn’t important to him; Emily was now his one and only love. My heart shattered, it has never mended, never been the same. He’d broken every single promise. At first Emily was on my side, she was angry that Sam had just dropped me like that. Unfortunately that hatred didn’t last long, they both became the traitors. In my childhood Emily was like the sister I never had, but ever since then it’s never been the same. Sure, I’m pleasant enough to her. I put on a brave face, but really...whenever I see those two together it’s as if my heart breaks once again: a constant aching pain. Sam never told Emily how much I tortured Sam with my thoughts when I belonged to his pack. He deserved it. I don’t regret it one bit.

I never used to have a temper like this, not saying I was an angel before all this crap happened. My temper was a bit more tamed is all I’m saying. However, the whole incident pushed my limits and I’ve never gotten back on track, no matter how much I try and tell myself that I have. It still sickens and angers me whenever I see those two together. It’s not just them any more either. Any other couple I see or hear what they say about their loved one brings a stabbing pain to my heart. My heart is broken. I have no doubt it’ll never be healed. I’m a dead-end, the girly wolf without a partner, without a soul mate for the rest of eternity.