First Phase

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Some get over their first phase. Some think it was a brilliant event that they would never change for the world. And some wish it never happened – I am one of those. If it never happened, Harry: my dad, wouldn’t have died. One kid being a werewolf may have been alright, that could have been Seth. Everything would have been fine. No girl wolves, it could have all stuck to the legends. He probably thought Seth might have the possibility to change, but me, his daughter; it never occurred to him that it could happen, nor did anyone else.

I was already feeling irritated that day, for no particular reason. I just woke up feeling annoyed at everything and anything. The squeak in the old screen door’s hinges, the flies buzzing around my ear, Seth humming to himself, it all got to me. I pulled the screen door off its hinges, swore at every fly, insect, animal that came in a five meter radius and shouted at Seth to can it. My temper was fiery. I tried going for a run through the reservation to cool off some of my unwanted energy, seriously considered setting fire to anything I saw and even walked into Seth’s room shouting at him for leaving his door a few inches open. Nothing I did cooled me off. I even tried having a long soak in the freezing water at First Beach. The fact that I couldn’t calm down made me even more irritated. It went like that all day and at dinnertime no one brought up why I was so angry at everyone. They knew that if they did I’d start shouting again. After dinner we all retreated to the lounge room to watch some TV. Not something I’d usually do but I couldn’t think of anything else to do that wouldn’t anger me further.

We were watching some nonsense soapie that I was hardly paying any attention to when dad put something in my way. I was about to growl at him when I realized what it was. A handmade woven bracelet with several wooden charms dangling from it. There was one with a girl, even if it was small; the details showed that it was meant to be me. There was also a longer charm of three people, each holding hands: My family. Dad had portrayed Seth perfectly, a big goofy grin, mum with a sweet caring smile and himself winking. The elders of the Quileute tribe had a knack at carving wood, even the smallest pieces. Words had escaped me, it was lovely. I always loved it when dad made me bracelets, necklaces and anklets, not that I got them often, once every few years. I had all the ones he had given me throughout my life on: My two anklets on my right ankle, four necklaces and one bracelet, soon to be two. He grabbed my right arm to put the bracelet on, however when he touched my skin he dropped my arm, it yanked my shoulder a bit. It wasn’t very funny whatever he was playing at, it hurt. I looked up to glare at him when I noticed concern and utter shock was radiating from every point of his expression. He tried to wipe this expression away when he saw that I noticed, picking up my hand once again – I couldn’t help but notice he was slightly shaking – and put the bracelet on beside my other one. “There,” was all he said, smiling. But he couldn’t fool me or mom by the look of mom’s expression. His eyes had screamed his emotions loud and clear.

“Thanks dad,” was all I said, with a slight smile. I got up and kissed dad on top of his head. I was going to head outside to sit on the back porch and take in the night air, when I got to the back door I realized dad was following me. I remember thinking he was going to do the big father-daughter talk with me. What was the point? I wasn’t with Sam any more, no he had ditched me, and I wasn’t with anyone. Frustration echoed through me, it took me a second to realize I was shaking with fury. I kicked open the door and stormed out, down the stairs. “Leah...” dad had sighed in annoyance of my temper and disappointment at my lack of control. That’s what triggered it. I exploded. Literally. Everything seemed further off the ground when I looked around; dad was staring at me like he had seen a ghost. His face had gone pale, even under his copper skin, frozen at the back door staring right at me. “What?” I had tried to snap at him but all that had come from my lips was a growl. Not a growl that you make when you’re frustrated or annoyed at someone. It was an animal growl. I began to take everything in, my eyesight was perfect. Through the back window that belonged to my bedroom I could see through the dark room, past the door and into the softly lit lounge room where mom was standing up. I could feel that I was different, but couldn’t put words to it. I stepped backwards then realized I had more than two legs. I looked down and that’s when I first saw what I had become. I freaked out. Dad had told me some legends, that we were descendants from wolves. But I thought they were just myths, nothing real. I mean come on. Nothing like this could have ever existed. I ran. I was frightened at what I had become; I headed straight into the forest that backed onto our house. I began hearing voices in my head, now I knew I was really losing it. I kept running. The voices became clear and clear. “Hold it Leah, calm down,” how the hell had Sam’s voice been in my head? That backstabber had no right messing with my head. And calm down? How on earth was I meant to calm down? I was a freakin’ wolf! I saw something big coming closer; I tried to dodge away but turned to face two others. I backed off and felt every bone, muscle and movement in my body. I crouched, ready for the attack. “We’re not here to attack you, Leah. We’re here to explain.”

After that it was pretty boring and a blur. Sam did most of the talking, in our heads of course, after they told me to cool it and not to attack them. The others would interrupt adding a few things Sam missed. They then taught me how to phase back to my human form and when I worked it out, I grasped that I was standing there butt naked in front of three guys and began swearing my head off at them, which caused me to phase back into a wolf. It was a messy night. Seth quickly joined us in the pack right after that. And I realized I had broken every piece of jewelry dad had made for me because of the stupid sudden phase. I have kept each broken piece in a small drawer on my desk.

The thing is I blame myself for my father’s death, like I said there had never been a female wolf before and yet there I was. With both his kids as wolves, it was too much for dad to handle; his body went into a shocked state causing his heart attack. I miss him; I wish that I wasn’t a wolf. I wish for many things to be different. One day I hope to find a way to just switch it off for good. But for now this is who I unfortunately am.

[Sue Clearwater]

My beautiful daughter, to read your words and feel your anger and pain just breaks my heart, Leah please don't blame yourself for your fathers death, its no-ones fault, yes it was a shock for him definately, but I had been trying to get him to take better care of himself for a long time, this is a burden that is not yours to carry. If it were in my power to change things for you, for this to have never have happened, I would do it, there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for you, if it meant I could ease your pain, I try not to think back to that day, the day our lives were forever changed, but remember your father loved you, and he would be so proud of you just as I am, you have family and friends that care for you and love you deeply and whatever life brings your way, we will face it together, don't lose faith, you have amazing inner strength and determination, and knowing you as I do, when you want something badly enough you will achieve it.

Love you Always

Mom xoxo