You can't be everything to everyone else. I've failed Everyone!

[Angelia]

I'm tired of the drama, the anxiety attacks and everything that goes with it: the nausea, vomiting, headaches, panic attacks, and tears. 

 

I got thrown out of the graduate program today.  SO essentially, I got kicked out of school.  Why?  Because I screwed up trying to meet everyone's expectations than my own.  Last week, I was writing a final paper.  Actually, I had been writing it for some time.  I was ready to send it and mysteriously, could not find the files I needed to send.  So I wrote the paper again, forgetting to add the additional citations into the paper (I"m not good at writing papers at all.  In fact, I hate writing them.  I'm always afraid I'm going to forget something or someone in my notes.) So it was deemed plagiarism.  Intended or not even though I found the original files and brought them to her to compare.  The consequences stuck.  She failed me for the quarter. After all that work I put in for nothing. And she is recommending that I am removed from the program.  She is the chair and has basically thrown me out of the program. 

 

As sick as I am about what has been done and the fact that I failed myself and everyone else.  Its the everyone else that bothers me the most.  It hurts to look my father in the eye and tell him that I failed.  I tried so hard to make something out of this life and I failed.  It makes me physically ill. 

 

Maybe, its time I do something for myself.  Give myself some relief.  I need to go back to teaching.  GO back to the kids that I love and finally do something that will make me proud.  Instead of trying to be more than I am.  Its time I go back to subbing.  I did that because I liked it.  Made me feel more fullfilled.  THere are other things I want to do. 

 

I'm still upset that I failed everyone.  I failed everyone, not because I messed up, but because I wasn't true to myself.  That is something I can fix.  The rest is done and over.