Stuck in a Tough Place

[Demetri]

For weeks now my thoughts have been over run with only a few things.  My duties, and then Heidi and Corin.  So much so that I have filled almost an entire journal trying to get my thoughts sorted and straight.  My duties will always come first.  

I have always had very different relationships with both of these women.  My time with them, either of them has always been something to treasure.   But recently things have been well, different.  I found I was craving time with both of them.  For different reasons. 

With Corin things are how you say, comfortable.   No strings attached.   There never seemed to be any expectations at least on my end.   We were good company for each other.   She showed interest in my books.  Old dull things to most people.  Fascinating to me.  Especially when you see how details changed when books were translated from their original language.  Before her I had never let anyone borrow any of my books.  But I knew they would be safe with her.  That she would treasure them as I did.  We have hunted together, gone riding. enjoyed time at the pool we have here in the castle and gone on many walks through the garden.   I even started teaching her how to spot and avoid many of my traps in the maze. 

I have always been well aware of Corin's abilities and due to it we were always cautious about how long we were around each other.  I do not feel that it had an effect on why I want to spend time with her.   I feel though the bond we formed was not due to her abilities.     I do not believe it is a relationship that I could ever replace.   She is unique in so many ways.   Over the past few weeks sadly we have been avoiding each other.   I do miss her.

 

And then there is Heidi.  I have been chasing her off and on for years now.  I crave her in a way that until recently I
wasn't willing to admit.   In a way she's like an addictive drug that gets under your skin and the only cure is more.  In the past, as I have chased her we've had a purely physical relationship.   I crave her touch, her presence.   I can smell her scent lingering on my cloak from the last time we were together.   I have no words to describe what smelling her scent does to me.   It's like a rush.  A thrill I did not know possible.  

 My time with Heidi has changed over the past while.   While I still crave that physical contact with her we have started to do other things in our time together.   We have gone riding, walking in the maze.   Holding her close every time we neared a trap, well let's just say I enjoyed that in more ways than one.  I truly felt as though she were mine that day.   For she is so often gone from the castle.   As I am, but seldom are we gone together, working together.   On her last trip when she said she would like my company I could not resist the urge to go with her.   Though I fear that giving into that urge may have done greater damage to my relationship with Corin. 

You see I crave time with both of these exquisite women.   I have for some time.  The relationships I have with both of them are uniquely different.  I treasure both of them in a way I have treasured no relationship before.  Though i fear now that should I continue down one path or the other, that I will not be able to maintain both relationships.  I never lied to either of them about spending time with the other.   It was common knowledge around the castle that I had been with Heidi many times over the years.  Though most of the guards knew better than to speak of it.  I had avoided being this close to anyone over the years.   Choosing duty and my books to fill my time.   To give me something to do.  It was safer.  I had seen many relationships go bad.   I also have seen how things can go when you make the wrong woman angry.   But somehow that was the farthest thought from my mind when spending time with either of them. 

I have spoken with Mother about them briefly.   Though while talking about it helped clear my head a bit, it did not help me reach a resolution on how to deal with things.  And so I write about all of my time with both of them.   What I felt each time I spend time with them in hopes that I will have a clear head, and know what the right thing to do is.