Four months ago....

It’s that time of year where the snow is piling up in the mountains and the spring thaw is a distant memory. I love to see the snow on the mountains and I enjoy the extra challenge of running through the thick white blanket. I also like the peaceful silence it brings me and it can be really nice, especially when I don’t have voices inside my head. It is also about the only time I can half-way appreciate being a wolf. That doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I take full advantage of it. The guys are cool about not wanting to intrude too much on the “girl” things. Thank goodness.

I still sometimes think about Sam and what we had, but it doesn’t hurt like it used to. I’ve accepted that he has Emily Sammy, and Shay and I’m glad he is happy. After all, if you once loved someone, don’t you want them to be happy? I won’t lie and say it didn’t almost destroy me because it did, and I dwelled on it for a long time. I blamed them both for something neither one had any control over. It took time, but I forgave them. Moving to Jake’s pack helped me more than anything, I think. For the first time in a long time I felt like I kind of belonged somewhere, and it was nice. I had forgotten what it felt like, being accepted. I think I have finally closed the book on the Sam chapter of my life. He’ll always be special, my first love and all of that, but there comes a time when you just have to move on.

I’ve tried to do that, move on I mean. But it’s hard. I don’t think I will ever have what Sam and Emily have, and I have to say I’m a little jealous. No, a lot jealous because I don’t know if it is possible for me to have something like that because of the whole phasing thing. I think that’s what upsets me the most about it. I just want to be Leah, not the girl that turns into a wolf or who is a genetic dead end. I want to be normal and have a family like so many other women want. I want a man who loves me despite the whole wolf thing, not one who is scared of what I become. I want what the guys all want, to imprint on someone and be happy like Jake or Quil. I need to feel loved and accepted just because I’m Leah. Yeah, right.

I’ve pretty much given up on that idea.  I know they say that it’s possible to stop phasing, and believe me I’ve tried. No such luck, though. I think that as long as the spawn of Dracula is running around in the area, my phasing is a given and that sucks big time. If it weren’t for Jake and Nessie, my wish would be that the Cullens had never come here. If they hadn’t I would probably be married with my own family, but I guess no one really knows about the could have beens. I can see it in my mind, though, the husband and the kids. But then I remember I have to run a perimeter or new friends of the Plasma Patrol have come to visit for a while. Most of their friends don’t really bother me too much, because they know the score. They know we can make vampire vittles out of them any day. Despite what I can do, what man would really want to take all that on? Yeah, kinda what I thought, no one.

Slowly but surely I have come to terms with what I have and I have accepted that the only men in my life will be those in my pack.  That’s okay, though, because they can’t hurt me the way I was hurt before. Besides, they’re all like brothers and anything else just is not an option. For now, I do what I can to make the best of my situation. I know in my heart I will never be truly happy, but I also know that sometimes true happiness just isn’t possible. Sometimes life deals you a really crappy hand, and you have to learn how to bluff your way through it and that’s exactly what I’ve learned to do. 

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