Edward Cullen's Posts - Cullens Online2024-03-19T09:23:01ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3144278761?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://thecullensonline.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=1qmso4yazajqh&xn_auth=noDistractions.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2020-08-28:3404507:BlogPost:12458122020-08-28T20:52:18.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p>50 across: Perus Capitol. </p>
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<p>My unused pen tapped anxiously against the heavy mahogany desk, the white sheets of paper in front of me nearly blank. Taking the cap off the pen felt like cheating in a way, eluding to the next answer before the question had even been presented. In all honestly, the exercise was more for my sanity than enjoyment.</p>
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<p>So many thoughts in one place. Voices bounced off the inside of my skull in a myriad that caused a kind of headache; a…</p>
<p>50 across: Perus Capitol. </p>
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<p>My unused pen tapped anxiously against the heavy mahogany desk, the white sheets of paper in front of me nearly blank. Taking the cap off the pen felt like cheating in a way, eluding to the next answer before the question had even been presented. In all honestly, the exercise was more for my sanity than enjoyment.</p>
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<p>So many thoughts in one place. Voices bounced off the inside of my skull in a myriad that caused a kind of headache; a numb throb that forced my brows to pinch in frustration. I was long use to hearing others, to the point I could almost ignore them entirely but this was an entirely different form of torture. </p>
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<p>So many thoughts of human blood, malice, gloating, pride. My teeth clenched together in a way that sounded like boulders colliding at impossible speeds. It didn't help that they intentionally, and quite often, thought of things aimed specifically at me. They designed thoughts curated entirely to infuriate me, push me to an edge. I had almost wished that was the worst of it. </p>
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<p>My family's thoughts hurt the most. Anxiety, fear, helplessness, defeat. Those closest to me suffered and I was unable to bring any ease. It added to my own worst fears, my own sense of loss. </p>
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<p>Castillo. </p>
<p>These puzzles were much easier to solve than my own. My jaw tightened further and before I could stop myself, the pen smashed against the stone wall across the room, small plastic shards returning to smack me in the face. Bella should have gone with her. I knew, of course, I didn't entirely mean this. Bella was also a very rare gift, a shield that is immune to all others, offensive or defensive. Of course, this only applied to those gifts that worked on the mind but as it was, most of our kind only found gifts in the form of mental illusion. I wanted to keep her away, to keep her safe, but Alice. </p>
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<p>My face found my hands at the thought. Alice. My mind raced, pain searing through my petrified veins. I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Out of all of us, how Alice? didn't she see this coming? Could she not have found a way out of this? It seemed like giving up, for her to have found herself in this predicament. She had to have known. </p>
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<p>Before I could drive myself into an uncontrollable rage I stood, my feet carrying me out the door before the last splatters of ink could even touch the floor. </p>
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<p></p>Self-Condemnationtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2018-09-20:3404507:BlogPost:12171512018-09-20T00:14:03.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">Hatred for Carlisle had burned inside of me. The memory of that alone pained me, guilt consuming my chest. The reconciliations of the beginning were full of shame. How I could have felt anything but gratitude towards him disobeyed him so blatantly, was now unfathomable.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">Awakening, my emotions had…</font></font></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">Hatred for Carlisle had burned inside of me. The memory of that alone pained me, guilt consuming my chest. The reconciliations of the beginning were full of shame. How I could have felt anything but gratitude towards him disobeyed him so blatantly, was now unfathomable.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">Awakening, my emotions had been heightened to a point I was never accustomed to. Rage blistered hotter than the impossible flame of my throat. A pain beyond explanation. What I had become, what he had made me did not, at the time, feel like a second chance. It was condiment. A hell I would have to endure every moment of eternity.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">Underneath resentment was a much more painful. I was left to mourn everything my life had been. The only things I had ever known. Grief ate at whatever was left of me. Whatever fragments of a person had been left were dissolved, as if they had never existed.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">I wanted to die, that is, If I were not dead already. The idea that I was still alive was absurd. This was not life, it was something in between. Not dead nor alive, simply existing. Time became immeasurable. Both minutes and weeks blended together. The only signs of change the luminescence along with the change of the atmosphere of the world.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">I had lost all comfort in the day. The constant reminders of what I had lost engrossing me to my misery beyond a point of coping. Midnight was much more favorable.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">The streets, only visible to my eyes, were almost empty, the only inhabitants other monsters. Creatures that preyed on other creatures. Disgusting excuses for human beings. I found in this, what I had considered a loophole. To feed on only them, to pray only on those who would otherwise prey on others, was justifiable. To be a monster of only other monsters. These were decisions I would soon regret.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">In the darkness, the silence of the empty streets, I could silence my own thoughts. It was hard, to focus on keeping my own mind silent all the while others continue on. It was a matter that only added to my frustration, feeding to the flame like lit charcoal. If I could only have slept, just once more dissolve into unconsciousness. To constantly battle myself, between what I was an what I wanted to be, was exhausting. My mind always on the brim of destruction, not ever weak enough to give in.</font></font></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><font face="Traditional Arabic, serif"><font size="3">It was not till later on in life, after Esme had given me back my remorse, revived a piece of that dissolved humanity, that I had realized Carlisle was not the one who had made me a monster. I was.</font></font></span></p>Slumbertag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2018-09-20:3404507:BlogPost:12174102018-09-20T00:08:59.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p>"Edward." At the sound, a nostalgic pulse rushed through me. I was used to being able to hearing her thoughts now. My hearing was still selective, she only granted me what she wanted to. Frustrating as it was I had decided it would have to be enough. Having something I once longed for would always bring me excitement, surges of adrenalin that rushed over me, regardless of the amount of time that it had been available to me. I was unsure if this was a character trait or an undead one if being…</p>
<p>"Edward." At the sound, a nostalgic pulse rushed through me. I was used to being able to hearing her thoughts now. My hearing was still selective, she only granted me what she wanted to. Frustrating as it was I had decided it would have to be enough. Having something I once longed for would always bring me excitement, surges of adrenalin that rushed over me, regardless of the amount of time that it had been available to me. I was unsure if this was a character trait or an undead one if being able to hold onto old dreams was apart of a frozen personality or myself.</p>
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<p>"Hm." Eyes still closed I mumbled into her hair, the absence in my voice noticeable. If I did not know better, I would assume I had been sleeping, dozed off maybe, only awakening at the sound of her 'voice'. I supposed I did my own form of dreaming, daydreaming perhaps? I opened my eyes now. She looked down a small smile on her face. She was fidgeting with the hem of my shirt, her thin fingertips tracing over the stitching. She enjoyed our small, mental talks almost as much as I did. Almost.</p>
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<p>She paused a second, still biting her lower lip. She was blocking me out while she thought. This agitated me but I ignored it, pushing the emotion to the back of my mind. Patients were something I would always have to struggle with. After another moment, she looked up at me. "I love you, you know." Her lips were pressed together in a hard line. As if she were admitting something she didn't want to. My eyebrows puckered. "Do you really?" Though only a whisper, the words carried doubt.</p>
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<p>I placed my hand along her jaw, my thumb grazing back and forth along her pronounced cheekbone. The concern expression remained on my face as I pressed my mouth to hers. "I love you too." The words slipped soundlessly out from between my lips and into hers. She sighed, kissing me back before leaning away. "You know what I mean." The words were spoken aloud this time. Tendrils of dark hair floated around her face as she shook her head, her eyebrows mocking mine.</p>
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<p>She was still upset over our disagreement. Being a father was never something I had considered for myself. It had never been a possibility for me, not that I knew of anyway. The trials were as difficult for me as they were for Bella. We often had different styles of parenting. As Renesmee grew we struggled on how her milestones would be placed for her, both of us wildly inexperienced with the process.</p>
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<p>I lifted my head, placing my lips on the top of her hair. She was trying to apologize. "I know." She leaned into me now, her face resting in the nook of my shoulder. This is how we spent many nights, the way we use to. Absently, I ran my fingers through her hair, my eyes closing again. This was our sleep.</p>Old entry #2- theorizationtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2018-09-18:3404507:BlogPost:12168852018-09-18T14:10:58.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p>“No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.”<br></br> -George Eliot <br></br> <br></br> <br></br> I wished I could agree with him, that no price I had to pay was too much, that I could live peacefully with the promise I had made. Bella's life was too big a price, to valuable. She would argue that it was her price, that I had no say in the matter. She has no idea how entirely wrong she was. The pain and guilt for…</p>
<p>“No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.”<br/> -George Eliot <br/> <br/> <br/> I wished I could agree with him, that no price I had to pay was too much, that I could live peacefully with the promise I had made. Bella's life was too big a price, to valuable. She would argue that it was her price, that I had no say in the matter. She has no idea how entirely wrong she was. The pain and guilt for allowing it would all be my own. She didn't know what it was she was asking for, what she was all too willingly giving up. The thought alone caused me excruciating pain. It serrated through my entire being, forcing me weak. This was not something I welcomed. I could not allow weakness, it was entirely too dangerous.<br/> Her eyebrows furrowed, lips turning down at the corners. It was as if subconsciously, she could recognize the danger she was so oblivious too awake. A groan built in her throat and she gripped my shirt, her frail fingers warm through the thin fabric. Bella had never been a sound sleeper, tossing and turning through out the night, her hair becoming wild around her. This was also something I would miss. Yet another reason to loath myself for promising her what she wanted. I slowly lifted my hand, allowing it to graze across her forehead, to smooth the hard lines that dwelled there.<br/> Not too long ago I yearned to make this simple gesture. If I could only have brushed her hair out of her face, allowed my lips to touch her hand. Now it almost hurt. Every touch far too significant, a reminder of what I was to do. I would soon never again feel her warmth. An ache built in the back of my throat. As the seconds ticked by I could feel it swelling, closing the space between my windpipes. I would find another way. I would convince her to change her mind.</p>Old entry #1tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2018-09-18:3404507:BlogPost:12173972018-09-18T14:03:25.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p>You would think that, by now, I would be use to this. The fire in my throat egnited, sending the monster into a frenzy. She crushed herself close to me knowing that I would resrain her despite myself. Gently, I pulled my face away from hers. She was always entirely too willing to push her luck. But then again, I couldn't call anything that has happened in the past year luck. My fragile little magnit for distruction. She looked up at me, her lower lip puckered out into a pout. I couldn't help…</p>
<p>You would think that, by now, I would be use to this. The fire in my throat egnited, sending the monster into a frenzy. She crushed herself close to me knowing that I would resrain her despite myself. Gently, I pulled my face away from hers. She was always entirely too willing to push her luck. But then again, I couldn't call anything that has happened in the past year luck. My fragile little magnit for distruction. She looked up at me, her lower lip puckered out into a pout. I couldn't help but laugh, just a single chuckle escaping. Perhaps, ignorance was bliss. I flattened the crease between her eyebrows with my thumb. If she had not been my entire world, maybe I could of allowed myself to drift into the ignorant state of happiness with her. But as it was, she was far to important then was for either of our own good.</p>
<p>The pounding of her heart pulsed in my ears . A constant reminder of her fracturable state in comparison to my own. “Bella..” I murmered against her forehead. The thin muscles that were tense only seconds ago went lipm and she sighed, her breath staining the colar of my shirt. Gently, I touched my fingertips to the skin beneath her jaw, tilting my head down to look at her. Slowly her brown eyes found mine. The extremity to hold my breath was profound, suddenly. The fire behind her eyes affluence in comparison to burning of my fingertips against her bare throat. I wanted to speak, to explain the dangers and how no matter how much I desired her it was too uncertain a fait e. The feeling of being lost for words was not something I was use to expierencing. The only moments it has ever occured was in her presence, in attempt to speak to her. I could feel the pull of my own brows as they furrowed together in frustration. I would have to opt for shaking my head, and so I did.</p>thoughtstag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2016-04-11:3404507:BlogPost:11224902016-04-11T08:00:00.000ZEdward Cullenhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/EdwardCullen115
<p> A Dream Is Defined As A Succession Of Images, Thoughts, Or Emotions Passing Through The Mind During A State Of Unconsciousness. This Was Otherwise Known As Sleep. The Term Would Never Relate To Myself, However, As Sleeping Was A Luxury Not Obtainable To My Kind. Another Definition Of The Same Word, Conversely, Is A Wild Or Vain Fantasy. This Definition Seemed More Appropriate When Associating The Word, Dream, To Myself. Wild And Vain, Indeed. My Egotistical Nature Seemed To Be Everywhere At…</p>
<p> A Dream Is Defined As A Succession Of Images, Thoughts, Or Emotions Passing Through The Mind During A State Of Unconsciousness. This Was Otherwise Known As Sleep. The Term Would Never Relate To Myself, However, As Sleeping Was A Luxury Not Obtainable To My Kind. Another Definition Of The Same Word, Conversely, Is A Wild Or Vain Fantasy. This Definition Seemed More Appropriate When Associating The Word, Dream, To Myself. Wild And Vain, Indeed. My Egotistical Nature Seemed To Be Everywhere At Once As I Closed My Eyelids. It Burned There, In The Pictures That Were Painting Themselves In My Mind. And Suddenly It Was As If I Was Hearing My Own Thoughts. Thoughts That I Struggled To Keep Obscured From Myself. If I Didn’t Know Better, I Would Assume I Was Dreaming. Daydreaming Perhaps? Absentmindedly Dreaming While Awake? Ah. But My Mind Was Not Absent At All. In Fact, The Image I Was Painting In My Mind Was Both Behind My Eyelids And In Front Of Them. Perhaps I Only Wished For It To Be A Dream. Or More Suitably, A Nightmare.</p>