Sue Clearwater's Posts - Cullens Online2024-03-19T05:22:02ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwaterhttp://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3144261361?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://thecullensonline.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=0dhcb8o17stba&xn_auth=noBirthdaystag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2013-05-31:3404507:BlogPost:10185882013-05-31T14:01:16.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>No sooner do you celebrate a birthday these days and the next one seems to be just around the corner. I remember when I was a kid and time moved so slow, birthdays took forever to come around. The slowest were the milestone birthdays of course. I remember when I was 10, I just couldn't wait to turn 16. "Sweet 16" as everyone says, and I remember being so excited, I'm sure I drove my family crazy. The funny thing was, by the end of that first week of being "sweet 16" I was feeling a little…</p>
<p>No sooner do you celebrate a birthday these days and the next one seems to be just around the corner. I remember when I was a kid and time moved so slow, birthdays took forever to come around. The slowest were the milestone birthdays of course. I remember when I was 10, I just couldn't wait to turn 16. "Sweet 16" as everyone says, and I remember being so excited, I'm sure I drove my family crazy. The funny thing was, by the end of that first week of being "sweet 16" I was feeling a little down. I was under the illusion that my life was going to change dramatically and things were going to be so different. *chuckles* Yet I still had to do my chores around the house and my homework. Things were not so different.</p>
<p>Things were most definitely different by the time I was 21 though... Harry and I were married and we had Leah. I had a family *laughs* and... I still had chores. By the time I turned 30, my family was complete... Seth had not only arrived but was a thriving four year old and yes you know it... I still had chores.</p>
<p>It is a woman's prerogative whether to discuss her age and I think I'll exercise mine at this point. Just the minute detail of which exact birthday I'll be celebrating this year. Don't misunderstand me, I still enjoy my birthday... very much so in fact. Seth and Leah always make a fuss, breakfast in bed etc... Charlie, Billy & Liseli always take me to lunch, so don't get me wrong, just because I don't mention the number out loud nowadays doesn't mean I'm dreading it.</p>
<p>Even if I live to see 100, I won't be saying it out loud... but bring it on. As always I'm ready and when you celebrate your birthday this year, or if you already have... I wish you the very best that life has to offer and the love of your family and friends.</p>Hopetag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2013-02-28:3404507:BlogPost:10027142013-02-28T13:48:01.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>I have no words to describe the pain that I have felt in my heart. Watching what Leah has had to suffer and never truly being able to help her, other than being there for her, it broke my heart... plain and simple it broke my heart. Honestly though? I know it was never enough... all of our late night or all night talks, it was a band-aid solution at best. Don't misunderstand me, Lee and I have always had a great relationship and we have been there for each other through the very best and the…</p>
<p>I have no words to describe the pain that I have felt in my heart. Watching what Leah has had to suffer and never truly being able to help her, other than being there for her, it broke my heart... plain and simple it broke my heart. Honestly though? I know it was never enough... all of our late night or all night talks, it was a band-aid solution at best. Don't misunderstand me, Lee and I have always had a great relationship and we have been there for each other through the very best and the very worst of times. We have consoled ourselves whilst watching many a movie and eating so much chocolate it makes my teeth ache to think about it.</p>
<p>There is a change in the air though and for the first time in a long time, I have hope. Hope for the little girl who had the most beautiful smile growing up and who would charge into our bedroom every Sunday morning, begging her father to take her down to the beach. And hope that my beautiful daughter will finally find the happiness, she so truly deserves.</p>The Aftermath!tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2013-01-30:3404507:BlogPost:9944542013-01-30T13:17:36.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>Well it's been a little while hasn't it, since I said I would let you know how I faired. Let me start by stating the obvious... I "physically" survived my night at the movies with Seth, though I'm still tempted to check under the bed or behind the door every now and again. Don't even get me started on high I've jumped if a breeze comes through the room and a door starts to swing shut or open in response. I know that all sounds crazy but when you are as frightened of scary movies, as I am.…</p>
<p>Well it's been a little while hasn't it, since I said I would let you know how I faired. Let me start by stating the obvious... I "physically" survived my night at the movies with Seth, though I'm still tempted to check under the bed or behind the door every now and again. Don't even get me started on high I've jumped if a breeze comes through the room and a door starts to swing shut or open in response. I know that all sounds crazy but when you are as frightened of scary movies, as I am. You would understand!</p>
<p>So I'm just going to put it out there... Paranormal Activity 4!!! Yes, that was my introduction into that seriously disturbed saga. It was not without a price that Seth has since paid a couple of times over, when he dragged me to that movie. Upon arrival home, he made me a tea, grabbed the chocolate and we sat through Pride & Prejudice, then when I thought I would be ok to go to bed. I quickly marched back downstairs, after only having made it halfway up and we watched Sabrina. *smiles* Oh did I make him suffer.</p>
<p>Of course... I've suffered since also. Leah found out about our movie night (how could she not) and promptly made it her mission (which she of course roped Seth into) to see that I watched the rest of the Paranormal Activity movies. I'm secure enough in myself, that I don't mind confessing. I have woken up on two occasions since, drenched in sweat, my heart beating out of my chest and on the second occasion... Seth hovering over me with both hands on my shoulders, calmly and gently assuring me that it was just a dream. I promptly dragged him downstairs and we sat through Lake House and Gladiator. (one of my favourite movies) I know, I know... So is Hocus Pocus but.... A) I specifically save Hocus Pocus for Liseli and I to watch at Halloween and B) Okay... There isn't really a "B" side here but it's just wrong. Does that make sense?</p>
<p>So here I am, still jumping every now and then when I think I've caught the movement of something, anything... but it always turns out to be absolutely nothing... Thank goodness! I've sworn to myself that I will get even with my beloved children, so if anyone has some ideas... *smiles* Don't keep them to yourself okay! *</p>The Things One Does!tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-10-31:3404507:BlogPost:9614102012-10-31T08:27:53.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>Closing my eyes briefly, my hand still clutching the door handle, "C'mon Ma, that won't save you", Seth chuckles as he pries my fingers from the door, and leads us straight to the front counter. "You never know", I mutter but further discussion is temporarily thwarted by the ever smiling young Stacey and Seth moving across to the ticket window.</p>
<p>"Hi Mrs Clearwater, what can I get you?" Several suggestions including "Please hide me", flit across my mind but I smile and order a large…</p>
<p>Closing my eyes briefly, my hand still clutching the door handle, "C'mon Ma, that won't save you", Seth chuckles as he pries my fingers from the door, and leads us straight to the front counter. "You never know", I mutter but further discussion is temporarily thwarted by the ever smiling young Stacey and Seth moving across to the ticket window.</p>
<p>"Hi Mrs Clearwater, what can I get you?" Several suggestions including "Please hide me", flit across my mind but I smile and order a large popcorn and sodas. "So, what are you seeing ton..." "Hey Stacey", chimes Seth as he joins us grinning like a cheshire cat! "We're all set" he beams holding up the tickets. All I can do is grimace and shrug as Stacey's mouth drops open... "But you don't watch scary movies Mrs Clearwater.... Oh Seth", chides Stacey, shaking her head, "Your mom is going to kill you if she survives this" "She'd have to catch me first", Seth starts to joke... but I interrupt quickly with, "It's ok Stacey, we have a deal.... After this we're going home to watch any girl movie I want! Lets see, we have Lakehouse, Sabrina, Pride & Prejudice...." "Yeah, yeah I know" Seth starts to tug on my arm.... "Quite stalling Ma", he laughs before winking at Stacey. "See you in class Stace" Leaving Stacey with a departing smile & wave, I resign myself to my fate and follow my son. Why on earth do I feel like I'm walking towards the gallows?</p>
<p>We find our seats and moments later the lights dim and the curtains open. My stomach is in knots and the trailers have begun... "This is it Ma", Seth whispers. "No turning back now", he winks. "Please don't remind me, I can't believe I'm doing this", I grumble back. All I can hear is his chuckling and from my peripheral vision his hand reaching for a handful of popcorn. So stay tuned good friends and hopefully I survive this torture, to tell you the rest of my hideous tale.</p>Summer.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-08-05:3404507:BlogPost:9411452012-08-05T09:57:53.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>Summer.</p>
<p>We are halfway through Summer and I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time that I am happy. Not just content but truly happy, that is not always an easy thing to say... but there you have it, I am.</p>
<p>Maybe it's the fact that Seth has transferred to the local college and is home once again, I am sure that is a large factor. Also, for some unknown and mystical reason, he and Leah seem to be actually getting on a lot better these days. I no longer constantly…</p>
<p>Summer.</p>
<p>We are halfway through Summer and I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time that I am happy. Not just content but truly happy, that is not always an easy thing to say... but there you have it, I am.</p>
<p>Maybe it's the fact that Seth has transferred to the local college and is home once again, I am sure that is a large factor. Also, for some unknown and mystical reason, he and Leah seem to be actually getting on a lot better these days. I no longer constantly harbour the fear, of them phasing inside the house and destroying that, which keeps us from being homeless. Don't laugh... for a while there it was a real possibility. Have you seen Leah's temper?</p>
<p>It could also be that Leah and Seth just seem happier of late, since Ruffnutt became part of our family, she has added a new dynamic to our lives. Somebody is always racing home to feed her or take her for a walk or.... to simply hang out with her, just so she doesn't become too lonely. Quite often, we all have had the same idea and this has led to us spending a lot more family time together, sitting down for our evening meal together before or after taking a walk along the beach. (all for Ruffnutt of course *winks*) The days of constantly leaving notes for one another on the fridge and table seem to be disappearing and I cannot tell you how nice that is. Our mornings are still up & down... but that of course is to be expected. We all have different schedules but ending our day together as a family... I know that is something that would make Harry smile.</p>
<p>Do not misunderstand me, Leah and Seth still argue, bicker and bait one another just as all siblings do... but things are different, definitely different. Now, if only I can get Liseli to stop spreading those rumours about that infernal cat being mine and life would be sweet. Well, we still have the rest of Summer to enjoy and hope *laughs* we can always hope. Seth has come up with a great Halloween prank for Liseli just in case though... but shhhh it's a secret.</p>One Of Those Rare Afternoons.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-06-16:3404507:BlogPost:9139452012-06-16T09:57:58.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
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<p>You know those rare days when everything just seems to run along smoothly? Well I definitely had one of those days. The weather was perfect as I drove to work and who can ask for more than that! The twins Maddy & Tim were celebrating their 7th birthday and Julie (their Mom) was there waiting for me, mail in hand I might add... bless her. Jule's chatted while I…</p>
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<p>You know those rare days when everything just seems to run along smoothly? Well I definitely had one of those days. The weather was perfect as I drove to work and who can ask for more than that! The twins Maddy & Tim were celebrating their 7th birthday and Julie (their Mom) was there waiting for me, mail in hand I might add... bless her. Jule's chatted while I retrieved the candy bags that I had just made up the night before, epecially for their party this weekend. That isn't something I get asked to do very often but Jule's is a fellow nurse and works very long hours.</p>
<p>There was a steady stream of people in and out all day, so I was happy to finally call it a day and head on home. Of course, that didn't mean I could relax and put my feet up... No siree*smiles* Leah.. was out and Ruffnutt was doing her best to round me up using her leash. So off we went, her favourite walk is along First beach, so I wasn't about to disappoint her. The best part and definiitely the hightlight of my day was seeing Bekkie's beautiful smiling face. She and Loki were also taking the opportunity to enjoy what was left of a perfect afternoon. The dogs were so excited to see each other, so we let them off and watched as they raced in and out of the water, barking at the small waves as the rolled in.</p>
<p>It was so nice to just stroll along the beach catching up and being Bekkie's first pregnancy I was keen to see that she was looking after herself. Well, I really didn't have to worry because she was simply glowing and no wonder.. she also dropped the bombshell that she was having twins!! I am not a woman easily lost for words *winks* just ask my kids... but just as she herself was a twin, she was now carrying her own. I couldn't wrangle any names out of her that afternoon.. but let's see how well she holds up after several afternoon tea's with Liseli and I. *smirks* The poor kid doesn't stand a chance.</p>
<p>Well, after Ruffnutt and I walked Bekkie and Loki home, who would have ever suspected the surprise I would receive when I strolled through the front door. Both Leah and Seth had arrived home early and thought they would surprise me with dinner and a dvd. Honestly... does it get any better?</p>
<p>So there you go, I had a fabulous day... Bekkie is having twins and my kids made me dinner without arguing. Oh, by the way... don't tell anyone about the twins, I think it's still a secret. *winks*</p>Goodbye Letterstag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-06-09:3404507:BlogPost:9113582012-06-09T20:33:37.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>In the grand scheme of things, we are all only here for the blink of an eye... each and every one of us. (with the exception of certain company)</p>
<p>Unfortunately, as the years pass us by... we have to say goodbye to the ones who leave us behind. It doesn't matter whether you think you are ready or not, the hurt and pain of losing a beloved family member or friend will leave you feeling like your are gasping for air and turn your world upside down. And each time you experience a new loss,…</p>
<p>In the grand scheme of things, we are all only here for the blink of an eye... each and every one of us. (with the exception of certain company)</p>
<p>Unfortunately, as the years pass us by... we have to say goodbye to the ones who leave us behind. It doesn't matter whether you think you are ready or not, the hurt and pain of losing a beloved family member or friend will leave you feeling like your are gasping for air and turn your world upside down. And each time you experience a new loss, you will invetably remember those who have passed before.</p>
<p>With Joshua's recent passing, old wounds will re-open for some of us and the emptiness that only loss can bring, will sidle up and keep as company as though it were an old friend. For those who are making this aquaintance for the first time? We will do what we must, to help them through this.<br/> There is no passage of time, that can erase the scars.... that are left on our hearts. There is only the knowledge that we are not alone.</p>
<p>If you could talk to that person just one last time, what would you say? "Goodbye" or "I love you" are the two most common answers, a grieving loved one will tell you, they wish they could say. My goodbye to Joshua was not an elaborate one but... I did take the opportunity to tell him that I thought the world of him and I did promise him that I would watch out for Collin. The same promise a host of others made I know and one that we will all stand by.<br/> Sadly, we did not get to say our last goodbyes to Sarah or Harry, but with the help of friends and wonderful advice from the grief counsellor on staff. I was eventually able to make peace with that situation. I wrote them each a goodbye letter that I keep in my Journals. So whilst I may have had a goodbye of sorts with Joshua, I think I'll pen a goodbye letter to him regardless.</p>
<p>My dearest friend....</p>In Time...tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-03-04:3404507:BlogPost:8698362012-03-04T10:10:31.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>I awoke with a gasp, my heart beating one hundred miles a minute and that horrific sense of knowing that everything is not alright... You always assume that when you wake from a nightmare that everything will be ok. Right? What if waking up to the reality is far worse?</p>
<p>I felt like a stranger in my home, hell I felt like an intruder in my own life. Apologies, for I would normally not use such language but at this moment... I am beyond caring.</p>
<p>We tip toe through this house and…</p>
<p>I awoke with a gasp, my heart beating one hundred miles a minute and that horrific sense of knowing that everything is not alright... You always assume that when you wake from a nightmare that everything will be ok. Right? What if waking up to the reality is far worse?</p>
<p>I felt like a stranger in my home, hell I felt like an intruder in my own life. Apologies, for I would normally not use such language but at this moment... I am beyond caring.</p>
<p>We tip toe through this house and around each other at the moment, as though the slightest wrong movement will detinate the unseen but ever present time bomb that seems to have moved into our home and taken over our lives. Where once these walls echoed with laughter and exuded the warmth of the love that resided here, all I feel now is a coldness and an ever present emptiness... as though somebody left a window or door open and chased love away.</p>
<p>There are moments that shape our lives, moments that change us forever. Whether they touch us personally or from afar... our lives are never the same.</p>
<p>Three weeks, and four days ago I was a mother, a wife and a competant nurse with what I thought was a perfect life. Three weeks, three days and twelve hours ago Harry died..... I have been counting. I walked away from Forks Hospital a mother, a widow and with a career I was now very unsure of.</p>
<p>I have since finished that journal and filled five more since. We have survived and have moved on with our lives as best we can, but we did change that day and we will never be the same. In thirteen days and sixteen hours it will be six years since we lost Harry and yes.... I am still counting.</p>Our first camping trip.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-03-03:3404507:BlogPost:8691452012-03-03T00:23:54.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>"Sue....... Have you seen my new fly?" Rolling my eyes as I continued to pack Seth's clothes, "Take a look in that third drawer Harry, the one in my grandmother's dresser". The rattling continued from downstairs until I heard a triumphant FOUND IT! And then, "Why do we have a hockey puck in here?" followed by..."Now if I can just find my favourite hook to go with it", he went back to muttering as the telephone rang in the background. "Daddy's funny", Seth laughed as he wandered around the…</p>
<p>"Sue....... Have you seen my new fly?" Rolling my eyes as I continued to pack Seth's clothes, "Take a look in that third drawer Harry, the one in my grandmother's dresser". The rattling continued from downstairs until I heard a triumphant FOUND IT! And then, "Why do we have a hockey puck in here?" followed by..."Now if I can just find my favourite hook to go with it", he went back to muttering as the telephone rang in the background. "Daddy's funny", Seth laughed as he wandered around the room with his favourite bear in his arms. "I know sweetheart, he makes momma laugh too". "Momma, Momma where is my brush, I can't find it anywhere".... "Oh good lord, I'm glad you take after me Seth... It's in the bathroom where you left it Leah", "You didn't touch it did you squirt?" came the demand as Leah appeared in the doorway. "Leah, he didn't, now off you go and go look again" "She's naughty momma", Seth whispered as Leah disappeared. "Ok, we'll have no bickering from you two today..Ok!" I managed as I zipped up his overnight bag. "Ok, are we ready?" a smiling Harry now stood in the doorway. Pinching the bridge of my nose as I closed my eyes to refrain from the laugh and remark that were forming on my lips, "No dear we're not but if....." "I'll go help Lee then shall I" Harry laughed as he scooted off to Leah's room. "Leah have you found your brush yet?" "Yes momma.. thank youuu", came the muffled reply as Leah skipped back to her room. "Your fathers going to help you, please hurry" dropping my voice to a whisper and winking to Seth, "Because we all know how much Daddy hates on missing out on those fish".</p>
<p>In true Seth fashion....Seth promptly sat down on the bed and proceeded to ask me a million and one questions in regards to our camping trip... "Will there be bears Momma? Tigers or Lions? What about the toilet Momma, how will I go to the toilet? Will we go fishing every day? Will the fishies bite me?" "Whoaa there little man", I laughed and sat down beside him "No Lions or Tigers I promise", the bears I kept to myself but I sat down beside my 4 year old son and began to answer all of his questions.</p>
<p>"Ok.... we're readyyy", came Leah and Harry's voice's in unison. Within seconds they were both in the doorway, bags at their feet and huge smiles on their faces. "Come on Momma, yes Momma come on" mimicked Harry following Leah's lead. "Ok, ok we're coming", laughing I picked up Seth's bag, held onto his little hand as he scooped up his teddy & a book to read, "It's the fishies and the turtle one Momma... can you make Leah read it to me in the car?" smirking at Leahs horrified reaction to this we eventually made it out to the car.... after first turning off the tv on the way, which I might add was blaring with music and some movie about a bartender. "ohh, I forgot our jackets Harry, you put the kids in and... don't look at me like that Harry Clearwater. It may be the end of June but it still gets cold of a night". Racing back inside, I was back at the car in no time Harry's innocent expression a vast cry from the "oh great here we go" one he'd worn not two minutes earlier. "Are we all set family? YES", came the reply in unison and we all still laughing piled into the car.</p>
<p>We had barely left the reservation when I heard Leah in the back seat, "Why do you love that ratty old thing squirt?" "Heeey, not my bear Lee, he's not ratty is he Momma? Look at his gold bow!" I heard the faintest of sniffle's from the back seat and was met with Seth's shimmering eyes as big tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. Passing back a tissue to him... I fixed Leah with one of my 'thats quite enough' looks before squeezing his little hand and reassuring him that his bear was not ratty at all.</p>
<p>I am both happy and relieved to say that the rest of that trip was wonderful and one of my happiest memories. Both Leah and Seth caught their first fish that trip... Seth of course with Harry's help. But, I cannot put into words how happy we all were, Harry especially... his love for fishing and his family all wrapped up together, those memories from that tip still make me smile to this day.</p>Emily...tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2012-01-17:3404507:BlogPost:8429732012-01-17T11:39:31.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>Emily's eyes flickered as I knelt down beside her... her eyes were searching my face as though she needed to pour out her heart to me. "Shh Emmy, everything is going to be alright, no talking ok". I smiled reassuringly to her and nodded to Jarod to keep her still as he cradled her gently in his arms. As an experienced nurse I was used to seeing trauma, but this was different... this was Emily! It wasn't just that I had known Emily since the day she was born, she and Leah had grown up like…</p>
<p>Emily's eyes flickered as I knelt down beside her... her eyes were searching my face as though she needed to pour out her heart to me. "Shh Emmy, everything is going to be alright, no talking ok". I smiled reassuringly to her and nodded to Jarod to keep her still as he cradled her gently in his arms. As an experienced nurse I was used to seeing trauma, but this was different... this was Emily! It wasn't just that I had known Emily since the day she was born, she and Leah had grown up like sisters and Emily was family! Now as I thanked Paul for carrying over my kit and watched him leave to go back and look after Sam I pushed away every memory that threatened to surface.</p>
<p>The pain etched in his face when I arrived and the memory of his anguished voice on his phone left little to the imagination at how broken he was over this accident. But Sam's emotional state was also not my focus at this moment, so as I tended to and dressed Emily's face and arm... I quietly explained that we were going to take her to the hospital and how we wewre going to tell everyone that she had been mauled by a bear before Sam, Paul and Jarrod saved her. Though her eyes filled with tears that silently spilled down onto her cheeks, she remained calmed and gave a little nod that she understood.</p>
<p>It pained me to leave Sam behind, but after a quick assessment it was clear that he was in no state to accompany Emily to the hospital. Not surprisingly, Jarrod elected to stay behind to take care of Sam when I assured him that I wouldn't leave Emily's side. With a reassuring smile Jarrod gently placed Emily in Paul's arms as he settled into the car and although I then searched for any sign of Sam as we drove away, I knew that this was the last thing in the world that he would want to witness.</p>
<p>I was very proud of Paul that afternoon, in all the chaos he kept a cool and calm head on his shoulders and was more than convincing as he re-told our prepared story for the hospital. Jarrod bless him was back by Emily's side after Paul returned to look after Sam. Although I knew Sam and I were headed for a lot of talks on his bumpy soul searching road to forgiving himself, the love that was evident in Emily's eye when he finally entered her room as all the assurance I needed for the time being to know that it would all work out for them.</p>
<p>As I left the hospital that night it felt like I hadn't seen my family in a week and I still had a very heartbroken Leah at home to see, but thats another story.</p>My Christmas Wish.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-12-23:3404507:BlogPost:8329652011-12-23T13:30:33.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>Like most children growing up, I would sit down before christmas and write my "Dear Santa" letter, outlining how I had been on my best behaviour that year and because I had been such a good girl, "Santa could I possibly have the following....". And now this year with Christmas day fast approaching and my own children well past their own "Dear Santa" letter days, I find myself writing not a letter to Santa but a Christmas wish in my journal.</p>
<p>"My Christmas Wish....</p>
<p>That each of…</p>
<p>Like most children growing up, I would sit down before christmas and write my "Dear Santa" letter, outlining how I had been on my best behaviour that year and because I had been such a good girl, "Santa could I possibly have the following....". And now this year with Christmas day fast approaching and my own children well past their own "Dear Santa" letter days, I find myself writing not a letter to Santa but a Christmas wish in my journal.</p>
<p>"My Christmas Wish....</p>
<p>That each of my friends receive a contentment, joy and happiness that you can only experience when you feel in your heart the true meaning of Christmas.<br/>A peace and tolerance for all of us, for we are all so very different, be it in personality or otherwise".</p>
<p>When I look back over the last six years and what has happened in our lives I know deep within my heart there can be no regret. I miss Harry more than words and I always will, but if he were here sitting beside me at this very moment he would surely say to me, "Sue you have to look at the bigger picture...without the existence of the other be it human or otherwise and the knowledge of said existence, there are those among us that would only be living half a life. Without Edward, Bella would not have her soul mate and nor would Jacob. For without them there would be no Renesme. The ripple effect goes on and on of course.... Charlie would not be the proud and happy grandfather he is today and the Cullens would not know the joy that Renesme has brought to their lives. Whether we like it or not all of our lives are intertwined like a delicate vine".</p>
<p>Harry posessed a very gentle yet subtle and practical outlook on life, he lived everyday to the fullest and loved his family and friends with all of his heart.</p>
<p>"Lastly but certainly not least... My Christmas Wish for our beautiful Leah and Seth would be to find the love and happiness that Harry and I always wished for them".</p>My Halloween Fright.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-11-15:3404507:BlogPost:8137772011-11-15T15:16:16.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>I have never been a fan of horror films something that my family and friends are well aware of. It has been a yearly tradition for some time now, for myself and Liseli to go into lockdown so to speak on Halloween. After the majority of trick-or-treaters have made the rounds we seek refuge at either's house and relax with a glass of wine a bowl of popcorn. Of course we also like to watch what we would consider to be an entertaining Halloween movie. Of late our yearly tradition has included…</p>
<p>I have never been a fan of horror films something that my family and friends are well aware of. It has been a yearly tradition for some time now, for myself and Liseli to go into lockdown so to speak on Halloween. After the majority of trick-or-treaters have made the rounds we seek refuge at either's house and relax with a glass of wine a bowl of popcorn. Of course we also like to watch what we would consider to be an entertaining Halloween movie. Of late our yearly tradition has included Hocus Pocus.</p>
<p>Leah of course does not approve of our choice... In fact I'm quite sure she would say, that it would be enough to send her to sleep and is constantly trying to encourage us to "kick it up a notch" as she puts it.</p>
<p>Well this particular Halloween, my darling daughter thought she'd have a giggle at her mother's expense. I had a most enjoyable evening with Liseli and had made my way the short distance home to find the house in complete darkness. With one hand on the bannister I hesitated at the foot of the porch stairs, I noticed with displeasure that the downstairs living room windows were now wide open and the curtains were blowing freely in the breeze that had whipped up. To add to my growing uneasiness I called out for Leah but there was no answer, I looked around behind me but there was nothing in the surrounding darkness to offer any clue as to where she had disappeared to.</p>
<p>While I cannot sit through those horror films which my children love so much. Until that evening... I had never been apprehensive about walking into my own home. Standing there at the bottom of the stairs though, it suddenly looked every inch the scary darkened house that I would scoff at a young girl for walking into. Yet here I was about to do just that. After telling myself how silly I was being, I made my way up the front stairs and gingerly started to open the front door... thoroughly annoyed at how much faster my heart was now beating.</p>
<p>After opening the front door I carefully slid my hand up the door frame until I found the light switch, when I flicked the switch and nothing happened... a coldness crept over me and settled in the pit of my stomach. "Leah" I whispered, into the darkness. "Leah are you here" I stood in that doorway for what seemed like an eternity, but there was not a sound. I made my way over to the kitchen and tentatively reached out into the darkness for the switch, but I suddenly had the distinct feeling that I was no longer alone. My hand was still raised and my fingers poised but I could no longer move a muscle. There was no sound except for my own unsteady breathing but the fear I was now experiencing was enough to make me freeze right where I stood.</p>
<p>That, was when I felt something brushed past me. I can't remember if I made a sound but the room was suddenly flooded with light and there stood Leah. "BOO.....Gottcha Momma", she exclaimed triumphantly and then promptly burst into a fit of laughter at my obvious terrified expression. I won't repeat that which I do remember saying, but let me just assure you that she ran. She was still laughing mind you.. but she ran.</p>
<p>Once I had chased and beaten her with the cushion off the couch to my satisfactory. I calmed down somewhat and gave my daughter her due credit for managing to scare me so successfully. We put the kettle on and sat at the kitchen table eating chocolate, while Leah ran through her whole plan and how she had removed the light globes from the living room and the front porch. All of which she of course put back.</p>
<p>I truly love tradition but I won't lie to you...I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this was a one off experience.</p>The Angel Oak.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-10-15:3404507:BlogPost:7945852011-10-15T13:34:24.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
There are memories that we have from our childhood that we keep with us till the day we die. This is one of those memories....<br />
<br />
Every summer for as long as I could remember was spent holidaying on the Res, but not this year... I had just turned 11 and we were going to Charleston, South Carolina to visit family. I was the first one packed and immediately started bugging everyone to see if they were ready yet and if not...then why and how much longer did they think they would be. *whispers*…
There are memories that we have from our childhood that we keep with us till the day we die. This is one of those memories....<br />
<br />
Every summer for as long as I could remember was spent holidaying on the Res, but not this year... I had just turned 11 and we were going to Charleston, South Carolina to visit family. I was the first one packed and immediately started bugging everyone to see if they were ready yet and if not...then why and how much longer did they think they would be. *whispers* (Sound like anyone you know?) I was so excited and I think my poor family were beginning to worry they would not survive the trip, so my father got out the Atlas and sat me down. He asked me to open it up and figure out how many miles we were going to travel and how long it would take. He also added that he didn't want to hear a peep out of me until I had completed that task. Well I sat there for a time and I had figured out the distance, which is 3150 miles if you ever need to know. However, no matter how much I tried though, I just couldn't get my head around the time it would take... so I cheated and called my Aunt Sophie *laughs* who was only to pleased to help me. We chatted a while and discussed all the things we would do together once we all arrived at her house. It had been a long time since she had lived on the Res and I really did miss her. My aunt and uncle had been living in South Carolina since they were married and had only managed to come back to visit a few times. Well she advised me to pack some books for the trip as it was going to take just over 2 days. So I quickly grabbed a few of my favourites as well as my pillow.<br />
<br />
Despite my excitement, there is only so much scenery and passing towns that will interest an 11 year old child.. and there was no point in asking my father how much longer it was going to be, because I already knew the answer to that question. After hours of reading, scenery watching and game playing, I inevitably ended up falling asleep before we reached our overnight stop. After 2 and a half days of travelling we eventually arrived at Aunt Sophie's and I was ready to explore. She lived on an old plantation that was centuries old and there was no end of things to see and do. After a day of exploring the old house I set out early the next day to explore the grounds and it was after lunch sometime that I discovered what was to become my favourite place at Aunt Sophie's. It was the most beautiful Oak tree I had ever seen, it was also possibly the biggest tree I had ever seen and I stood there admiring it for what seemed like hours that first day.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3111804182?profile=original" target="_self"><img width="721" class="align-full" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3111804182?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="721"/></a><br />
<br />
Some of her branches, *laughs* (yes she was a girl) were so long that they actually touched the ground. This of course made it especially easy to climb and I spent nearly the whole of my summer vacation resting comfortably on one of her large limbs in the shade of her canopy. Aunt Sophie told me all about her special tree, she was in fact an Angel Oak and more than likely older than the plantation itself. It was then that she gave me a book to read by the Author Shel Silverstein called, The Giving Tree. When I look back now, reading that book was a turning point in my life. Every day I would take time out to climb as high as I could or just relax and read the afternoon away. Of course that is where I read my Aunt Sophie's book and it wasn't long before I looked upon that magnificent tree like an old friend. It was more painful than I care to admit to say goodbye when it was time to head home but thankfully I can disclose that there have been many more wonderful adventures over the years at my Aunt Sophie's. I feel it would be remiss of me not to share one of my favourite stories with you, It is what gave me a true appreciation of the beauty of my home and the forests that surround it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<p style="text-align: center;">Angel Oak outside of Charleston, SC. It’s 1400 years old. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein</p>
<br />
Once there was a tree….. and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree…….very much. And the tree was happy.<br />
<br />
But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said “Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy”<br />
<br />
“I am too big to climb and play”, said the boy. “I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?” “I’m sorry,” said the tree, “but I have no money, I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy.” And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.<br />
<br />
But the boy stayed away for a long time.. and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, “Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy.” “I am too busy to climb trees,” said the boy. “I want a house to keep me warm,” he said. “I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?” “I have no house,” said the tree. “The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy.” And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.<br />
<br />
But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. “Come, Boy,” she whispered, “come and play.” “I am too old and sad to play,” said the boy. “I want a boat that take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?” “Cut down my trunk and make a boat,” said the tree. “Then you can sail away…… and be happy.” And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy….<br />
<br />
but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again. “I am sorry, Boy,” said the tree,<br />
<br />
“but I have nothing left to give you—-” “My apples are gone.” “My teeth are too weak for apples,” said the boy. “My branches are gone,” said the tree. “You cannot swing on them——” “I am too old to swing on branches,” said the boy. “My trunk is gone,” said the tree. “You cannot climb——–” “I am too tired to climb,” said the boy. “I am sorry,” sighed the tree. “I wish that I could give you something—— but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump.” “I don’t need very much now,” said the boy. “just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired.” “Well,” said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, “well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.” And the boy did. And the tree was happy.Our Family....What we had, and How we came to be.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-07-08:3404507:BlogPost:6744762011-07-08T11:10:05.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
I can't remember a time when I didn't know Harry, we grew up together, but we certainly didn't always like each other, a typical boy he would throw rocks at me, then turn around pretending it wasn't him, I remember he even pulled my hair once in the 3rd grade, I shook my little fist at him and I told him if he ever touched my hair again, I'd break his nose, and with a firm nod of my head I walked away, it must of worked to a degree, he sort of left me alone after that.<br></br><br></br>Of course all…
I can't remember a time when I didn't know Harry, we grew up together, but we certainly didn't always like each other, a typical boy he would throw rocks at me, then turn around pretending it wasn't him, I remember he even pulled my hair once in the 3rd grade, I shook my little fist at him and I told him if he ever touched my hair again, I'd break his nose, and with a firm nod of my head I walked away, it must of worked to a degree, he sort of left me alone after that.<br/><br/>Of course all that changed in high school, and after becoming friends we fell in love and just like that there was no-one else, not for either of us. Harry even secretly proposed to me before we graduated, so as soon as we were free to marry, thats exactly what we did. It was small and quiet, just close family and friends but perfect. Within a couple of months I fell pregnant with Leah, and in typical Leah fashion she came into the world all in a rush, her little hands were all curled up into balls and couldn't she scream, Harry and I were laughing through our tears, we were so happy. Then six years later Seth our little man was born and our family was complete.<br/><br/>My final words will go back to Harry, he was my best friend (eventually) *smiles* a loving husband and a wonderful father who adored his children, he said to me once he knew he was truly alive after he became a father, for him the sun rose and set on his children.<br/><br/>Forever in our heartsAbove all else.... I will miss my friend.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-06-15:3404507:BlogPost:6487112011-06-15T11:05:21.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
Over the years I have witnessed the miracle of life and the sadness of death. Never once though did I stop and imagine myself in that situation. The thought of anything happening to Harry or the children was inconceivable and therefore never thought of. Call it what you will denial, avoidance but the simple truth of the matter is I just couldn't see my life without them, whether your talking of three years away or three days away... when I thought of my life it was always centred around my…
Over the years I have witnessed the miracle of life and the sadness of death. Never once though did I stop and imagine myself in that situation. The thought of anything happening to Harry or the children was inconceivable and therefore never thought of. Call it what you will denial, avoidance but the simple truth of the matter is I just couldn't see my life without them, whether your talking of three years away or three days away... when I thought of my life it was always centred around my family. I never for a moment thought that instead of me offering a comforting hand to hold after their loved one had passed from this life, that I would be the one sitting there while my colleagues and friends offered theirs.<br />
<br />
My childrens future, their graduations from high school and college, leaving home, their weddings... all of them of course included Harry by my side with an ample supply of tissues. When I thought of our future together, I saw Harry and I as grandparents with grey hair living out our twilight years still fishing or Harry complaining as he holds my wool. Even Harry sneaking into the kitchen to steal another muffin or slice of cake. Of course I was there to nag him of his cholesteral and of course he would smile and eat it anyway. I saw all of this with the clearest of clarity but it was not to be, it was never our future.<br />
<br />
So on a cold night in March just over five years ago now I held my husband's hand as I watched the light fade from his eyes and no matter how much I begged or cried and regardless of my training and years of nursing experience there wasn't a single thing that I could do to stop him slipping away. I will always regret not being able to save my husband, my children's father and above all my best friend. It hurts my heart to think of my future without him by my side, it brings a tear to my eye to think of myself sitting alone on our front porch but above all I will miss his smile, his laugh and the warmth of his hand in mine.<br />
<br />
When I was a young girl I read this quote and for some reason it has always stayed with me, maybe now I finally know why.<br />
<br />
<em>They are not dead, who live in the hearts they leave behind. - Tuscarora</em>No One will Ever Know....tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-05-25:3404507:BlogPost:6234402011-05-25T00:17:56.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
No one will ever know<br />
the pain within my heart,<br />
the tears that I still shed for you<br />
since we were torn apart.<br />
<br />
Your memory still lives on each day<br />
in the many hearts of friends,<br />
but three lost souls will miss you<br />
until their journeys end.<br />
<br />
This year will be our fifth one now<br />
without you by our side,<br />
the tears will fall and our hearts will break<br />
as sure as the ever flowing tide.<br />
<br />
Your fishing pole and tackle box<br />
still sit there by the door,<br />
another sad reminder<br />
of what our life was like…
No one will ever know<br />
the pain within my heart,<br />
the tears that I still shed for you<br />
since we were torn apart.<br />
<br />
Your memory still lives on each day<br />
in the many hearts of friends,<br />
but three lost souls will miss you<br />
until their journeys end.<br />
<br />
This year will be our fifth one now<br />
without you by our side,<br />
the tears will fall and our hearts will break<br />
as sure as the ever flowing tide.<br />
<br />
Your fishing pole and tackle box<br />
still sit there by the door,<br />
another sad reminder<br />
of what our life was like before.<br />
<br />
For our home was filled with laughter<br />
a love so kind and rare,<br />
your presence filled each room with joy<br />
your infectious smile we shared.<br />
<br />
But God had other plans for you<br />
and for us you left too soon,<br />
so I gaze up at the stars alone<br />
and wish upon the moon.<br />
<br />
I send my prayers to another world<br />
of great spirits and ancestors alike,<br />
that you will always watch over us<br />
each and every night.<br />
<br />
Eventually, the time will come<br />
when we'll no longer be apart,<br />
but until that day I'll think of you<br />
and keep you safe within my heart.Lost In the Chaos!tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-05-15:3404507:BlogPost:6131132011-05-15T18:23:25.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
No matter where you are and no matter what you are doing, the sound of a child crying will nearly every time turn every mothers head. And even if it is not your child crying you cannot help for that one small moment to look for your own.<br />
<br></br>
<br></br>
The sound of this particular child crying caught my attention instantly, it wasn't Seth but he sounded just like him and at the exact same time Leah was tugging on my shirt, "Momma, I can't find Seth". The curtain fabric I'd been looking at already…
No matter where you are and no matter what you are doing, the sound of a child crying will nearly every time turn every mothers head. And even if it is not your child crying you cannot help for that one small moment to look for your own.<br />
<br/>
<br/>
The sound of this particular child crying caught my attention instantly, it wasn't Seth but he sounded just like him and at the exact same time Leah was tugging on my shirt, "Momma, I can't find Seth". The curtain fabric I'd been looking at already forgotten as I knelt down in front of my 8 year old daughter. "What do you mean you can't find him Leah, he was just here", taking her little hand in mine I started to scan around the the fabric section and surrounding area's. "We were playing hide and seek Momma but I can't find him", "It's ok Leah he can't have gone far.....come on sweetheart, lets go find your brother". I searched every inch of the area before I headed toward the toy department, constantly telling myself that we would find him sitting in the middle of the aisle playing with a shiny truck that had caught his attention... but he wasn't in the toy department, with Leah in tow I walked up and down every aisle desperately trying to keep the rising panic from my voice as I repeatedly called Seth's name. From one department to another we searched with no trace of Seth, Leah could sense how fearful I had become as we began looking for an assistant to raise the alarm of my lost son. "Blue Jeans, ah a red shirt and blue jacket" I stammered, as I choked backed the tears.<br/>
<br/>
Where was he, where was my baby, those words deafened me as they as they dominated my thoughts. The call went out over the whole store, please be on the lookout and with it was Seth's description. I felt like I couldn't breathe where was he? I couldn't stand still, so Leah and I continued our search with the increasingly worried looking assistant joining us. <br/>
<br/>
It was then while searching of all places the baby department that I saw this enormous teddy bear pefectly displayed with other plush toys with my little Seth snuggled up in his lap. "Seth" I choked, the tears now spilling over in relief to see that he was safe, "He's nice momma", Seth's chubby little hand was continuously patting the bears stomach. Leah let go of my hand and put her hands on her hips, "You are in big trouble Mr" she quipped, I smoothed down her hair and kissed her forehead, "It's ok sweety and one day when your older I'll tell you all about the time you pretty much did the same thing to your poor mother". <br/>
<br/>
Crouching down and opening my arms, Seth bid his furry friend farewell and ran over for a hug, "You scared me little man, please don't you ever walk off on your own again ok" I whispered, "Ok Momma" he muffled back as he tiny little arms wrapped around my neck.<br/>
<br/>
I can with all honesty say, that I have never been more relieved in my life.True Colours.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2011-02-18:3404507:BlogPost:5140992011-02-18T18:07:17.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
As I made my bed that morning I actually thought what a wonderful Saturday morning it was and how it seemed so promising, my how quickly things can change. I hadn't even finshed making the bed, when I heard Leah calling from downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I couldn't believe my eyes, Leah was placing Seth onto the couch. Seth was in so much pain.....I didn't think I could take it, when Dr Cullen arrived, he confirmed his injuries and set about gently putting my son back…
As I made my bed that morning I actually thought what a wonderful Saturday morning it was and how it seemed so promising, my how quickly things can change. I hadn't even finshed making the bed, when I heard Leah calling from downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I couldn't believe my eyes, Leah was placing Seth onto the couch. Seth was in so much pain.....I didn't think I could take it, when Dr Cullen arrived, he confirmed his injuries and set about gently putting my son back together.<br />
<br />
If I thought holding my son's hand while Dr Cullen re-broke his bones to set them properly was the worst thing I would experience this day, I was to be sadly mistaken. After spending the night at Seth's bedside, monitoring him and administering his morphine, I went into Leahs room for an extra blanket, where I found a note from Leah... there were only three very short lines but they hurt me more than I care to admit.<br />
<br />
Sue,<br />
<br />
I warned you.<br />
<br />
Leah.<br />
<br />
<br />
I looked around her room, but just as I thought her bag was gone as was most of her clothes, I sat there on Leah's bed for I don't know how long, fresh tears streaming down my face once more, it was only the sound of the alarm on my watch that pushed me up off the bed to go & administer another dose of morphine for Seth.<br />
<br />
All through the night I sat there with my son, still retracing everything that I could remember hoping to find some clue as to why Leah had left the way she did, why she would just up and leave at a time like this. It wasn't until Seth opened his eyes and smiled at me, that I realised it was daylight. After Seth did a quick check, assuring me everything was ok, I decided he should have breakfast in bed and left him dozing while I went downstairs to fix breakfast.<br />
<br />
As I pottered around my kitchen I started to really let the last few months come back to me and everything negative she has said or thought about herself.<br />
<br />
I have heard all of them.. genetic deadend, the black sheep the list goes on, I am truly at my wits end, when it comes to my daughter just now and I honestly do not know what I can do. These last few months have been the most difficult so far. Leah was here but not, her smile is non existent these days and the young lady that comes down for breakfast in the morning, when she comes down is becoming more of a stranger to me with each passing day.<br />
<br />
If I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I would have to admit that my daughter no longer wishes to be here, constantly reminded of what she is and never being able to escape her responsibility. I had always hoped that with the anger management and yoga that Leah would find peace within herself, but we are a far cry from that.<br />
<br />
I know that all of this behaviour isn't really my daughter's true colours, but I sadly do not foresee my Leah finding her way back to us or her true self just yet. Where my daughter is and how she is, *sighs* I only wish I knew.A Dreamtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-12-23:3404507:BlogPost:4621482010-12-23T11:59:13.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
Christmas is almost upon us and I am still recovering from the worst case of the flu, I have had in years. Seth has been kept busy with College and the shop, since I have been confined to the house and my bed.<br />
<br />
It's ealy morning, the sun not yet up, but the promise of sunrise is there. It was Harry's favourite time to go fishing and he would stumble around in the dark, completely failing everytime at trying not to wake me up. Leah is hopefully fast asleep, but I never know with my daughter…
Christmas is almost upon us and I am still recovering from the worst case of the flu, I have had in years. Seth has been kept busy with College and the shop, since I have been confined to the house and my bed.<br />
<br />
It's ealy morning, the sun not yet up, but the promise of sunrise is there. It was Harry's favourite time to go fishing and he would stumble around in the dark, completely failing everytime at trying not to wake me up. Leah is hopefully fast asleep, but I never know with my daughter anymore. As dreadful as I felt, I managed to stay up and decorate our christmas tree with Leah the other night. I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed the time we shared doing this, a simple task I know, but for us and after everything we've been through in the last five years, it meant the world to me.<br />
<br />
The house itself is warm enough as to is my room, but I am not quite feeling like my old self just yet and the mornings are not friendly to those who are still recovering. So instead of jumping out bed ready to face the world, I snuggle down beneath my warm blankets and favourite quilt and instead contemplate what lies ahead of me this day.<br />
<br />
After a couple of fuzzy seconds and not seeing anything constructive, after getting up for a shower, some tea and maybe some breakfast. My thoughts drift to the future and what it might be. It is not an easy task to think of the future, when the love of my life is now firmly part of my past.<br />
<br />
My perfect scenario five years from now, would see Seth & Lee stop phasing altogether, Leah swept off her feet and deleriously happy, with her own child at her feet or one on the way. I still see Lee with her yoga mat and her mediation, which has helped enormously. Of course I will still be here in LaPush and I would love to dream that my children would also stay here, but that is not my decision to make.<br />
<br />
The morning sun is beginning to make its way from behind the mountains, but I no longer notice as the dream stays alive in my thoughts and I drift back off happily to sleep.A Girl Amongst Wolves.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-12-02:3404507:BlogPost:4426472010-12-02T21:32:58.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
I had just arrived home from cooking dinner for Charlie, as I pulled my car into the driveway, I looked over to see Jacob sitting on our porch steps. "Hey Sue" a sunny smile as always graced his face, but for once it didn't quite touch his eyes. "Hey there Jake, how are you?" "Good, Good" was the instant reply, straight away I knew Jake was a tad nervous about something. "Ok Jacob Black" I smiled, raising an eyebrow, "Out with it, I can tell your nervous about something, or better still, lets…
I had just arrived home from cooking dinner for Charlie, as I pulled my car into the driveway, I looked over to see Jacob sitting on our porch steps. "Hey Sue" a sunny smile as always graced his face, but for once it didn't quite touch his eyes. "Hey there Jake, how are you?" "Good, Good" was the instant reply, straight away I knew Jake was a tad nervous about something. "Ok Jacob Black" I smiled, raising an eyebrow, "Out with it, I can tell your nervous about something, or better still, lets chat over a cup of tea", a bemused Jacob followed me into the house and before too long we were chatting away at the kitchen table and helping ourselves to blueberry muffins.<br />
<br />
After his third muffin, Jacob finally found his courage and asked permission for Bella Swan to attend our next tribal council meeting. I nearly choked on my tea at first, but I sat quietly and heard him out, he told me everything and Bella's involvement, I couldn't help but soften a little. Jacob talked on about how worried he was about Bella and that she needed to know the whole story, I watched him carefully that afternoon and my heart went out to him, there was a sadness that had crept into his voice that I hadn't heard in such a long time. Whether he knew or not, Jacob had fallen in love.<br />
<br />
That thought and many others stayed with me over this revelation, I was completely torn, how was this going to end and who would end up hurt. I also had to take into consideration that this was Charlie's daughter, his child. This was my friend who had been there for me and my family after losing Harry, so didn't I owe him. After all that he and Bella had already been through, I couldn't bare to think of either of them in anymore pain. So there inlay my predicament. No-one outside of our council or had ever attended a meeting before yet no-one outside of our community knew so much before either. Jacob and I continued talking, until I could honestly see no reason not to let her come. Billy of course had already given his consent.My Feartag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-11-26:3404507:BlogPost:4383812010-11-26T18:06:03.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
My heart is broken,<br />
Internally I am brought to my knees,<br />
from the burden and pain of the secret I keep,<br />
the secret I keep from him<br />
I am haunted,<br />
haunted in my every waking hour as well as in my dreams,<br />
the horrors I imagine, the consequences should he discover .....<br />
his world is not as it seems, how much does he know?<br />
Would our friendship survive this deceipt?<br />
Would he ever forgive me?<br />
In this I have no choice, I must wait!<br />
<br />
<br />
For six years these thoughts and questions have been my constant…
My heart is broken,<br />
Internally I am brought to my knees,<br />
from the burden and pain of the secret I keep,<br />
the secret I keep from him<br />
I am haunted,<br />
haunted in my every waking hour as well as in my dreams,<br />
the horrors I imagine, the consequences should he discover .....<br />
his world is not as it seems, how much does he know?<br />
Would our friendship survive this deceipt?<br />
Would he ever forgive me?<br />
In this I have no choice, I must wait!<br />
<br />
<br />
For six years these thoughts and questions have been my constant companion, they are quite simply my fears.<br />
<br />
If Charlie ever found out the truth, and his knowledge of the truth be known, it may very well condemn us all. I no longer try to get through the month or the week, just getting through the day is victory enough, I look at my friends and my family and know I am blessed but I can't help but hear a small voice that refuses to go unheard constantly taunting me, "It's only a matter of time".<br />
<br />
Since losing Harry, I have come to depend upon our friendship. Charlie, Billy and Liseli were there for me as only the best of friends could be. Without them and my children by my side to help me through I just simply wouldn't have made it... I still can't help but shake my head when I think back to that time. It was honestly the most painful and heart wrenching experience I have ever had, something you would never wish upon another.<br />
<br />
So call me selfish, you probably will, but life moves on with or without us and Charlie's friendship means the world to me, I will never be able to repay him for everything he has done, maybe thats what prompted my need to look out for him after Bella and Edward were married. He had gotten so used to Bella being there again, her company and the fact that she looked after him. But just being there, having dinner together occasionally and being able to talk to someone, who understands the pain of losing the one you love most. It all makes a difference and I can't lose that and I can't lose my friend.<br />
<br />
So I will do what I must to protect this secret, I will keep on lying to and deceiving my friend hoping and praying that if he ever discovers the truth, he will find it in heart to forgive me.They are not dead, who live in the hearts they leave behind - Tuscaroratag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-11-20:3404507:BlogPost:4338882010-11-20T16:44:11.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
All I had ever wanted was a family of my own, a husband and children and I consider myself blessed that both of those dreams cam true. Along with my wedding day, the biryh of my children were the happiest moments of my life.<br />
<br />
We are a small but close community, friends who are more like family, we have all watched out for each others children and so it was with great sadness that I watched many friends move away, none more so than John and Alice Lune or Julia Uley, leaving Sam and Collin…
All I had ever wanted was a family of my own, a husband and children and I consider myself blessed that both of those dreams cam true. Along with my wedding day, the biryh of my children were the happiest moments of my life.<br />
<br />
We are a small but close community, friends who are more like family, we have all watched out for each others children and so it was with great sadness that I watched many friends move away, none more so than John and Alice Lune or Julia Uley, leaving Sam and Collin behind, I know and understand why my friends left but it still hurts. It will never compare with the pain of losing my good friend Sarah Black, but it was sad and most definately hard looking at both Sam and Collin, knowing they missed their parents, knowing how much they were going through but not wanting to intrude upon their personal space can be a very hard line to walk.<br />
<br />
I hope I have helped over the years, its nothing to find Collin and I at the kitchen table, putting a resonable size dent into a batch of muffins or a newly baked cake whilst talking the afternoon away and you can often find Sam and I walking along the beach deep in discussion. Thankfully I have not seen him as upset as he was the day he accidentally injured Emily, that was a terrible tragedy and one that I feared at first, would bring Sam undone. Thankfully it didn't, in fact I think it made them a stronger couple. My heart still breaks a little when I think how much hurt Leah has gone through but I do not blame Sam or Emily, its just the way things are.<br />
<br />
It's comforting to know that neither of them are completely on their own, Collin still has his grandfather and Sam has Emily and Ayasha, even Rebecca, Rachel and Jacob who I once worried for constantly, are not alone in this life despite their terrible loss, they have Billy who is a wonderful father, not to mention they all have significant others these days.<br />
<br />
Either way, I hope that I have helped, I hope that just by listening I have made some sort of difference in their lives and I hope that the fact, that our chats continue is because I am doing something right.MY ROCKtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-08-23:3404507:BlogPost:3549532010-08-23T15:04:14.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p><font face="Tahoma">There are many words that come to mind at the thought of my daughter..love, pride, beauty, fear, strength & awe.<br></br> <br></br>From the time Leah was born and I stared into those big brown eyes of hers I lost my heart right there and then, she was an amazingly alert and bright baby, from the moment you were in her presence her eyes would follow your every movement and her smile would light up the room. She captured her heart as all little girls do and in our eyes she was…</font></p>
<p><font face="Tahoma">There are many words that come to mind at the thought of my daughter..love, pride, beauty, fear, strength & awe.<br/> <br/>From the time Leah was born and I stared into those big brown eyes of hers I lost my heart right there and then, she was an amazingly alert and bright baby, from the moment you were in her presence her eyes would follow your every movement and her smile would light up the room. She captured her heart as all little girls do and in our eyes she was everything and more. Leah was not incredibly excited when Seth came along and was quick to point out that she would much rather prefer a puppy, but in true Leah style she quickly bounced back and decided he could be trouble and would need to be watched.<br/> <br/>Of course much to our secret amusement, whenever something went wrong be it in Leah's life or ours, she was quick to blame Seth. The Sun would disappear suddenly and it would start to rain spelling the end of whatever wonderful game Leah was playing and on occasion... oh ok, on numerous occasions she would angrily pack away her things and stomp inside mumbling or loudly stating that somehow it was all Seths fault. If there were any accidents where something was accidently broken due to boisterous inside play, I would enter the room only to find Leah pointing to Seth in his bouncer or later in his playpen declaring him to be the culprit, "Oh", I would say, "is that so, you know your baby brother cannot even walk yet, right?", she would just fix me with this wide eyed innocent, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth look and pout, "Oh I know Momma, but he's tricky he is", all the while nodding, her ponytail bobbing away. Of course Harry and I would share many a laugh over these antics but of course never in front of Leah.<br/> <br/>She was such a beautiful child, of that there was never any question, of course Harry would chime, "she takes after her father, so naturally she is blessed". Above all else though, I am in awe of her strength, her strength and her bravery, on her first day of school, we arrived to find a lot of the children in tears, clinging to their mother, their father or both, as usual Leah assessed the situation quietly taking everything in, before finally turning to Harry and myself and asking calmly, "Your coming back for me right? We'll go home have dinner and play yes?" I could say we were stunned and shocked but this was our Leah, "Of course", we both quickly replied, bending down to meet his daughter at eye level, Harry quietly pointed to the ground and said, "Right here ok Lee, Mommy and Daddy will be waiting right here", she looked up at me then her big brown eyes waiting for reassurance, cradling a sleeping Seth in my arms I bent down and kissed her forehead whispering, "We promise, this is exactly where we'll be", giving Seth a quick kiss on the cheek and turning her beautiful smile on us both, she quickly hugged and kissed us, bidding us both farewell before adding, "Well ok then, I just needed to know that you'll both be ok without me", and without so much as a frown she waved and skipped off to be with her teacher. She told us later that a lot of children cired that day, that a lot of them were scared, but not her, she remembered our promise to be there, for Leah it was that simple, but even to this day I look back and am inspired by her bravery.<br/> <br/>In these traits she has never changed. she may not smile as readily as she once did, but then she has been through much and honestly I'm amazed at how resilient she is, which really shows her inner strength. Loyalty is somehting I didn't mention earlier but that is also without question, she may not publicly declare or show affection for Seth but never for a second doubt it and I pity anyone who would be so foolish to do so.<br/> <br/>Despite everything that has happened to our family, our love and commitment to each other goes without saying. Leah may never realise this and I would never burden her young shoulders with such declarations but she is my rock, the one who inspires me to remain strong every day, to remain positive and never give up. Leah still watches my every movement, every emotion that crosses my face and when I am so blessed on those rare occasions that I catch her smile...it still lights up the room.</font></p>
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<p><br/></p>MY JOURNEY HOMEtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-06-16:3404507:BlogPost:2885282010-06-16T15:20:25.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<em>Bending down to break off a piece of mountain grass, I close my eyes as I let the feathery top run along my hand and immediately I think of home, sighing and opening my eyes, I take in my surroundings, the vast forest stretching out as far as the eye could see, the stunnig fir trees surrounding the cabin was definately what you would call picture pertfect, the sun was just beginning to dip behind the trees and despite the season the air has turned cool. This mountain which I have made my…</em>
<em>Bending down to break off a piece of mountain grass, I close my eyes as I let the feathery top run along my hand and immediately I think of home, sighing and opening my eyes, I take in my surroundings, the vast forest stretching out as far as the eye could see, the stunnig fir trees surrounding the cabin was definately what you would call picture pertfect, the sun was just beginning to dip behind the trees and despite the season the air has turned cool. This mountain which I have made my mission to climb everyday had become a wonderful place of peace & solace.<br/> <br/>Sitting myself down on the side of that mountain I was shocked to discover that I had actually been here for two months. I realised with an ache at how much I missed everyone at home, but none more so than my children. The phone calls, postcards and letters most definately kept us in touch and it was lovely to know how everyone back home was getting on, but the sadness and the quietness that had begun to creep into my childrens voices of late told me in spades that it was time to go home.<br/> <br/>I had escaped to this mountain to regroup, to allow my still very broken heart to heal once more, maybe this pain will never go away of that I am most definately not sure, but this beautiful quiet place had crept under my skin and into my heart, it had done for me what I'm sure others would spend thousands on. I lingered longer that day watching as the sun disappeared and as I stood and made my way back down the mountain, I knew I would carry this place with me forever. With a new lightness to my step I carefully manouvered my way back to the cabin, to pack and spend my last night in the beautiful little house that had become my home. This would be my journey home and I couldn't wait to tell Leah and Seth the good news.<br/></em>A forgotten memory - SWEETDREAMStag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-05-27:3404507:BlogPost:2656412010-05-27T09:09:14.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<em>Every night after tucking my children into bed, I would kiss and hug them, whispering, "sweet dreams", it had always been my ritual but one night one of my children was most definately not having sweet dreams, Leah and Seth had been fast asleep for hours, Harry and I had not long fallen asleep when I sat bolt upright in bed, awoken by screams from Seths room.<br></br><br></br> <br></br>Flinging back the covers I jumped out of bed and raced down the hall to Seths room, who was sitting up in bed, with…</em>
<em>Every night after tucking my children into bed, I would kiss and hug them, whispering, "sweet dreams", it had always been my ritual but one night one of my children was most definately not having sweet dreams, Leah and Seth had been fast asleep for hours, Harry and I had not long fallen asleep when I sat bolt upright in bed, awoken by screams from Seths room.<br/><br/> <br/>Flinging back the covers I jumped out of bed and raced down the hall to Seths room, who was sitting up in bed, with his little arms outstretched, tears streaming down his face, I scooped him up in my arms and together with Harry who had now joined us, slowly began walking around his room, gently patting his back, soon enough he began to calm down, his sobs slowing, "Its ok Seth", I soothed, brushing his hair from his face, "it was only a dream baby, only a dream", a noise from the doorway produced Leah, half asleep still and rubbing her eyes with the backs of her hands, "whats all the racket, where's the fire", she yawned, "I'll deal with this love", Harry whispered and with a quick ruffle of Seth's hair he was gone, leading Leah back down the hall to her room, all the while I could hear her mumbling, "but what happened dad, whats wrong with him". <br/> <br/> <br/>Smiling at my beautiful five year old boy, I sat down on the edge of his bed and cradled him in my lap, finally his little sobs subsided and he proceeded to tell me all about the boogey man, how he overheard Leah and the other kids saying, "He comes to get you in your sleep he does". Shaking my head and frowning, "Oh Seth, no that is not true baby, you can't listen to them, who else was there". "Oh", he said, "there was Becca and Sam Rachi, Jakey and Embry, yep all the really big kids", he confirmed. "Ohh", I nodded, all the while rubbinng his back, "Well don't you worry about them ok, your Mom is going to talk to Leah and all those big kids and you don't have to worry about those scary stories anymore, noone is coming to get you in your sleep and everything is going to be ok". "Can I sleep with you and Daddy, mom"? Looking into those big brown eyes, I just didn't have the heart to say no, "Ok sweetheart lets go". So safely snuggled in between Harry and I and hugging his favourite bear, my little boys eyes again grew heavy as I kissed his forehead once more and wished him sweet dreams.<br/></em>Remembering the COLOMBINE HIGH SCHOOL MASSACREtag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-05-27:3404507:BlogPost:2656392010-05-27T09:01:45.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<em>Reflecting over my life and jotting everything down in my journal, that comes to mind, painful or not I looked at the date on my page and thought long and hard before I realised why it was important, instantly my hand flew instantly to my chest the painful memories of that day all flooding back to me, but no I promised myself, so after taking a deep breath I wrote it all down, whethe I share this with anyone remains to be seen, but here it is according to todays date and my…</em>
<em>Reflecting over my life and jotting everything down in my journal, that comes to mind, painful or not I looked at the date on my page and thought long and hard before I realised why it was important, instantly my hand flew instantly to my chest the painful memories of that day all flooding back to me, but no I promised myself, so after taking a deep breath I wrote it all down, whethe I share this with anyone remains to be seen, but here it is according to todays date and my memory</em>.....<br/> <br/> <br/><em>In 6 days time it will be the 11 year anniversary of the Columbine High School massacre, yet I can still remember it like it was yesterday, both Leah & Seth were home from school that day suffering from a minor stomach bug, later I would thank the heavens for small mercy's as I would've been frantically pulling them out of school regardless.<br/> <br/>It was just going on lunch time and Seth was on the couch flicking through the channels when a breaking news flash came across the screen, "Two Gunmen at Columbine High School", I had placed a hand on Seths shoulder to stop his channel surfing and now I was frozen, it was a minute or more I'm sure before I realised Seth was asking me, "Whats wrong mum"? looking down at him attempting a smile I answered "nothing love, go find your sister, ask her to read you a story and tell her I said its important", clearly overjoyed at Leah being ordered to spend time with him, I watched as Seth ran from the room and up the stairs calling, "Leah" as he went, I walked around the couch and sat down and watched as more reports came flooding in, injuries, possible fatalities maybe even hostages.<br/> <br/>I never heard my children upstairs, I didn't even hear Harry come in and sit beside me, I just sat there hugging a cushion to my chest with tears streaming down my face, the first I knew of his presence was when he put his arms around me and whispered, "its ok Sue, we're ok", we sat there in silence and watched as footage of the school grounds shot from a news helicopter showed the injured and the dying laying there waiting for help, my heart contracted in pain at the sight of the students being evacuated, crouching low as they sought protection of the parked cars and others still hiding behind cars either too afraid to move or unable to safely do so.<br/> <br/>Images of the swat team outside the school are also shown, reports of the injured arriving at hospital are aired and I listened in horror as a mother of one of the students recounts the description her daughter gave of the gunmen. From the news footage being aired you could hear gunfire and I couldn't help but think is that another child who will not go home, another family destroyed. I really don't know how long we sat there but eventually they confirmed the death of the gunmen by suicide. At 11:19 two school boys walked into their school and destroyed the lives of so many people that day and by 12:08 it was over. In all there were thirteen souls lost, twelve students and one teacher and for what? <br/> <br/>Harry and I just sat there breaking our hearts over the tragedy of it all. Eventually we made a move, washed our faces and fixed dinner, to this day I have no idea what we had <br/>but what I do remeber is that when I tucked my children into bed that night and gave each of them a hug, it was extremely hard to let go.<br/></em>Reliving the past.tag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-05-27:3404507:BlogPost:2656372010-05-27T08:37:00.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<em>Nestled away amongst the large Fir trees I find the cabin is small, welcoming but cosy. I can't even begin to put into words how incredibly grateful I am for this solitude.<br />
<br />
<br></br><br></br>Watching as the fire crackles and the flames climb higher I curl up in this old but comfy chair, my blanket wrapped firmly around me and my cup of tea firmly between my hands my emotions have finally caught up with me and my tears stream unchecked down my face. All I can think about is my family, missing Harry…</em>
<em>Nestled away amongst the large Fir trees I find the cabin is small, welcoming but cosy. I can't even begin to put into words how incredibly grateful I am for this solitude.<br />
<br />
<br/><br/>Watching as the fire crackles and the flames climb higher I curl up in this old but comfy chair, my blanket wrapped firmly around me and my cup of tea firmly between my hands my emotions have finally caught up with me and my tears stream unchecked down my face. All I can think about is my family, missing Harry so much I feel my heart might break and missing my kids just as much if not more tha I feel it already has.<br/> <br/>With nothing but time now on my hands the memories of the past come flooding back, good and bad alike, but I don't care anymore any memory I can relive Harry is welcomed no matter the pain, no matter the cost. Our children being born, our wedding, our first kiss and the first time he held my hand. Though these memories, some of which I've shared might not seem so significant, it is these little moments, the ones you might miss if your not paying attention. But looking back that's what your heart seeks, those moments when he looks into your eyes and smiles just for you, when he whispers in you ear, when there is no need for whispering, when he puts his arm around you and pulls you close. If I close my eyes I can see him he is right here, I can almost feel him, almost hear his voice, picking up my journal and pen I begin to write and hopefully do justice to these memories</em>.In order to leave, you have to say Goodbyetag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-05-18:3404507:BlogPost:2596952010-05-18T07:30:00.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
The 16th of March loomed ahead, it would signify 4 years, 4 long years without Harry, as I lay there in my bed I looked across at the empty space beside me and for the first time in a long time, I grabbed Harry's pillow and hugged in to my chest, "What is wrong with me", I thought as the tears streamed down my face, my heart contracting in pain.<br></br> <br></br>I've been through al this haven't I, said my goodbyes, grieved, shaking my head I miserably climbed out of bed and after checking both Leah…
The 16th of March loomed ahead, it would signify 4 years, 4 long years without Harry, as I lay there in my bed I looked across at the empty space beside me and for the first time in a long time, I grabbed Harry's pillow and hugged in to my chest, "What is wrong with me", I thought as the tears streamed down my face, my heart contracting in pain.<br/> <br/>I've been through al this haven't I, said my goodbyes, grieved, shaking my head I miserably climbed out of bed and after checking both Leah & Seths room were empty which I actually felt grateful for, I went downstairs and put the kettle on. As I sat there in my favourite chair with my blanket wrapped around me and a cup of tea in my hands I sat in the silence of my home, staring out the window.<br/> <br/>For the second time that day the tears streamed down my face, angrily I wiped them away, "what on earth", I thought, "Im falling apart", the day dragged on and things didn't improve, how could I let my children see me like this, I decided I couldn't and by 5pm my plans were set, a quick call to my cousin and the cabin was mine for as long as I wanted, my car was packed, dinner was made but of course my children do not live by a normal timetable, so as per usual, I made up their plates put the leftovers in the fridge and sat down at my kitchen table to pen the hardest letter of my life.<br/> <br/><em>My dearest Leah & Seth,</em><br/> <br/><em>I have decided to take a triip up north I'll be at cousin Alex's cabin, I'm really not sure how long I'll be gone, but I have my cell, I'll call you both when I've arrived safe. I am so sorry to up and leave you like this but I just really need to get away, I hope you both can understand and forgive me. I don't want you to worry about me, I know you'll both be fine and look after each other, no mother could ever be more proud than I am of you.</em><br/> <br/><em>I love you both with all my heart and I'll be home again as soon as I can.</em><br/> <br/><em>All my love</em><br/><em>Mom xx</em><br/><br/>Valentines Day with a differencetag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-03-15:3404507:BlogPost:2172692010-03-15T15:09:04.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
Another year has passed and Valentines is upon us once more. Beautiful bouquets of roses on display spill out of florists everywhere onto the street. Crisp white, or deep ruby red the surrounding air is thick with their sweet perfume. Despite all the love and happiness a hint of sadness still lingers in the air. Every now and then it makes its presence known, a lonely heart wandering the beach alone or a solitary figure sitting on a park bench. <br></br> <br></br>Fastwarding through my day, I find…
Another year has passed and Valentines is upon us once more. Beautiful bouquets of roses on display spill out of florists everywhere onto the street. Crisp white, or deep ruby red the surrounding air is thick with their sweet perfume. Despite all the love and happiness a hint of sadness still lingers in the air. Every now and then it makes its presence known, a lonely heart wandering the beach alone or a solitary figure sitting on a park bench. <br/> <br/>Fastwarding through my day, I find myself sitting on my porch, wrapped in my blanket watching the moon in the night sky. Going over my decision to stay with Leah and not to attend the ball, I know is not one I regret. Having my daughters company, no matter her mood always makes me smile. Intentionally I bide my time until suddenly the music stops and the house falls silent. Just as I'm beginning to think Leah may have gone to bed, the sound of the door opening and seeing her head pop round the corner puts that thought to rest. Kicking the door mat back into place, and looking up with a half smile, I'm greeted with, C'mon mum, watch a movie with me.<br/> <br/>Leaving my comfy chair, still hugging my blanket I follow my favourite daughter inside, and curl up on the couch to await my fate. Movies I must tell you I love, but scary movies hmmm that depends, I quickly scan the selection and my suspicions are confirmed, they're all horror. Not wanting to appear chicken, I put on my bravest smile and ask, "Do we have chocolate"? to which Leah disappears and re-appears with one block for each of us. Opening credits on the movie reveal its worse than I thought.....Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Pulling my blanket up higher, I settle in for two hours of terror, covering my mouth with the corner just in case I feel the urge to scream. Quietly I try to cover my eyes hoping Leah won't catch me, but hahh fat chance, giving my arm a pat Leah proceeds to tell me, its ok mum this is nothing yet, wait till it really gets going.<br/> <br/>Recalling the trailers, its not long before her words ring true and the young ones start droppig like flies. Somewhere halfway through, Leah turned to me and thanked me, thanked me for staying, and making her laugh on a day that would usually have her, in her room. Talking our way through the rest of the movie,eating our chocolate and me still hiding occasionaly, I can't tell you how much i enjoyed this night. Understand though I joke to Leah, I'll never watch this again.. ever.<br/> <br/>Vacating my comfy couch, I run into the kitchen and pop the kettle on, before running back and hopping under my blanket, ughh 2 more victims, have been chopped up since I left my seat, Leah chuckles at my expression. Willing a fictional character to run away from a homicidal chainsaw wielding maniac, doesn't work, but Leah thought my useless pleas were amusing. *smiles* X-Ray glasses thats what they need, I think to myself as I watch the remaining characters fall victim, all but one...of course, the one that gets away, how else do you expect to have a sequel if there is no survivor.<br/> <br/>Yawning and stretching I turn to laugh at Leah's expression as she announces, "that was quite lame mum, as far as scary ones go".. Zipping my mouth, so as not to encourage another horror so soon, I smile and say goodnight to my daughter as she climbs the stairs.<br/>My Kidstag:thecullensonline.ning.com,2010-02-10:3404507:BlogPost:1965242010-02-10T11:04:32.000ZSue Clearwaterhttp://thecullensonline.ning.com/profile/SueClearwater
<p>My kids were just normal happy kids, they fought, bickered and annoyed each other just as other siblings do, sometimes they still do, but they're not the normal happy kids they once were. Of course there are obvious changes, one being neither are children any longer. Leah is a grown woman of 23 and Seth 17, it's been years now since their lives were forever changed.<br></br> <br></br>The year they both phased for the first time was traumatic to say the least, Seth was so excited afterwards but the…</p>
<p>My kids were just normal happy kids, they fought, bickered and annoyed each other just as other siblings do, sometimes they still do, but they're not the normal happy kids they once were. Of course there are obvious changes, one being neither are children any longer. Leah is a grown woman of 23 and Seth 17, it's been years now since their lives were forever changed.<br/> <br/>The year they both phased for the first time was traumatic to say the least, Seth was so excited afterwards but the shock of Leah's phasing caused her fathers heart attack (so Leah believes) a scar she still carries. Adjusting to everything was not easy and still isn't, not really.<br/> <br/>Leah struggles constantly with the heart ache of losing her father, which she insists is her fault, she is frightened and angry of the side effects these changes have brought and so many questions, will she meet someone?, fall in love? and her biggest question, will she be able to, if she ever wants to, have a child? no longer ageing might sound great at first but if internally your body is in some form of suspended life unable to move forward, where does that leave your future. If Harry had not passed away, I believe Leah's struggles would not have been so hard, with his quiet way, Harry would have been her constant counsel, reassuring her, explaining everything in a way only he could, and she would have seen and understood, even as a child Leah and Harry always had that bond. He could always reach her, even when I could not.<br/> <br/>Even Seth, my happy go lucky young son who always trys to see the good in people, has taken to worrying about his future also. With everyone else around him imprinting and moving forward, he is worried about where that leaves him, then of course his sister is the only female wolf and she also has not imprinted, which compounds his fear. It hurts to see someone so young dealing with so much pain and confusion, it hurts even more when they're your own flesh and blood. It breaks my heart to know that there is nothing I can do to take away this pain.</p>
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<p>I refuse to let them see my tears, to have them know how much it's killing me to see them so lost. Instead I catch their eye and smile, hold them and tell them how much I love them and we'll get through this togeter.<br/></p>